WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital today, the country’s vice president and official high religious inquisitor told attendees that he and President Donald J. Trump have been working on a new law they intend to present to congress for debate.
Under the close, watchful eye of Vice President High Priest Mike Pence, the White House will double-down on its anti-abortion agenda and propose a law that would outlaw abortion after a man gets an erection. Hopefully, the vice president said, it is passed into law “sooner rather than later.”
On Friday, Trump administration officials announced they would re-institute the “Global Gag Order,” a policy created by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. It prevents medical institutions all around the world from getting federal taxpayer dollars if they perform abortion services, or even provide information about abortions to patients.
Opponents of the rule, which was challenged in court by Planned Parenthood back when Reagan first instituted it (President Clinton later completely rescinded the order), say that it could block women from getting any reproductive care at all.
However, the Trump administration isn’t nearly done addressing abortion.
Later this year, the White House will present the Stiff Commitment To Life Act to Congress. If passed, the law would make it illegal for an abortion to be performed after a man gets an erection. Proponents of the law say it will be the most decisive move to protect unborn life ever made, and opponents have called the law “redicu-stupid-dumb-as-fuck,” as one Democratic aide told us in confidence.
“It’s not enough to keep women from exercising the same sexual and reproductive autonomy men have,” Pence said, “and it’s not enough to cut funding for things that actually prevent pregnancies and therefore the need for abortions in the first place. We must pass a law that under no uncertain terms protects unborn life, but also preconceived or even un-conceived life as well.”
Father Pence says the law is aimed at “protecting life as early as possible.”
“Some say you have to protect it at conception, where life starts,” Pence said. “But I believe you have to go back to before the beginning. I suggested making abortion illegal once the testes produce sperm, but I was outvoted on that one.”
“I have long believed that erections, boners as they’re known to savages to heathens, are like rock hard, blood filled conduits right to God,” Pence said at the prayer breakfast. “God can speak through and with your penis, men, and when he speaketh, you should listen.”
Mr. Pence told the congregants of the church the breakfast was held at that he believes “deep, deep down inside” himself that stopping abortion in America is “literally the only job” he should be doing.
“There are no other important issues in this country right now. Not the economy, not whether our government is run by corrupt puppets of a fascist foreign regime,” Pence said. “Just abortion.”
Vice President Pence acknowledged that enforcement of the law could be “sticky” and that there are “all kinds of gray areas that will have to be explored.”
“I know not every boner leads to sex, much less a baby,” Pence said. “Heck, I know that because every time I watch college wrestling I get a No Point Boner — mother and I call my erections we can’t make babies with No Point Boners — and so we can’t go around throwing people in jail because they get a COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED ERECTION watching wrestling. But we’ll figure it out.”
Pastor Pence is committed, he said, to enforcing the law by himself if he must.
“If I’m the only one who has the guts to personally inspect every young man’s heaving, bulging crotch to make sure any erections they get don’t lead to abortions,” Pence said, “then that is exactly what I can and will do. Life is too precious for me to not start looking at and copping feels on all the junk…mmm…allllllll the junk.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.