Trump Asks Joint Chiefs If U.S. Can ‘Nuke Coronavirus Like a Hurricane’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Projecting an air of confidence and competence has been a mainstay of President Donald Trump’s tenure. Mr. Trump has often boasted to the media and particularly his strong, if not small base of loyal supporters, that he and his administration are capable of any task, no matter how great. However, the markets are continuing to tumble today as global fears over the spread of the coronavirus — which the World Health Organization officially declared a pandemic this week — and that shows signs that there are holes starting to appear in Trump’s claims that he and his team are capable of handling the situation well enough.

Reportedly, the sense that he could be losing control of the coronavirus crisis, President Trump convened the joint chiefs of staff of the U.S. armed forces, as well as his entire cabinet of advisers and secretaries of various departments, and asked them a very simple question.

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“Why don’t we just nuke coronavirus like a hurricane,” Trump apparently asked bluntly, right at the top of the meeting. “If nukes can nuke people, why can’t they nuke viruses in people?”

A quiet hush apparently filled the room. Over the course of his presidency, sources say those closest to Trump have “gotten used to” some his wilder ideas. However, even this seemed like an “extra large helping of WTF,” according to one eye witness to the meeting.

“Seriously, guys. I want you to tell me right here, right now, why the fuck I can’t nuke coronavirus,” Trump demanded. “Nukes kill anything around them when they go off, do they not? We want to completely kill the coronavirus, do we not? Ergo, we need to use nukes on the coronavirus. Tell me why we can’t do that, fam.”

One nervous general raised his finger in the air. Trump pointed to him, then crossed his arms, waiting to hear why he couldn’t just order a nuclear strike on anyone carrying the disease. Trump had put Fox Business Channel on the TVs in the briefing room, and he was watching the market crater again. He knew he needed to act fast, and he hoped his plan to nuke coronavirus would be the way out of this mess.

“Sir, with all due respect, we cannot in good conscience even consider this plan,” the general said rather meekly. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great plan, as all your plans are. You have the bigliest and best ideas of any president ever. This one, though, just might be TOO bigly, and TOO bestest, sir.”

Trump wasn’t buying it.

“I don’t buy it,” Trump shouted at everyone. “You tell me! You tell me right now why I can’t just grab the nuclear football, enter the numbers, bing-bang-boom, we nuke the coronavirus out of existence.”

A different general made an attempt to dissuade Trump this time.

“Sir, it’s not that your idea isn’t quite literally the best ever, which is insane considering how often we tell you that, since, you know, each idea you have is biglier and more betterer than the last,” the general said, “but, in this case sir, the fallout would be tremendous.”

This enraged Trump.

“Don’t talk to me about fallout! I don’t care about the political consequences! People could die here, man,” Trump shouted. “Are you insane? I want to permanently end a yuge health crisis facing our nation and you want me to be concerned about the political fallout?!”

Undeterred, the general tried to further explain himself.

“Sir, respectfully, not the political fallout. The fallout fallout,” the general tried. “You know, nuclear winter? The inevitable spread of radioactivity that could poison untold millions? And that’s to say nothing of the millions who would die on impact. Sir, I implore you, consider a different idea.”

But Trump was recalcitrant. He accused the generals of “coup-ing” him. Finally, a third general had an idea he thought might get them all out of this very tense, very disturbing conversation.

“Mr. President, what if you came up with another idea? After all, as General McButterball just said, your ideas get better each and every time you think them up,” this general said. “Think about it, if each idea you have is your bigliest and best, it only figures that the next one you come up with will be better than this one! Your best idea is really yet to come, Mr. President, sir.”

That did it. Trump was convinced.

“Okay, yes, that actually makes sense to me. I am pretty much the smartest person to ever live,” Trump said.

The president snapped his fingers.

“I got it! I got it! Everyone, everyone, I got it,” Trump yelled at the people who were at most a foot or two away from him. “We just go out and tell everyone they’re not sick, they’re not gonna be sick, and that coronavirus is fake news!”

A collective sigh was heard in the room.

“Sure. Okay. Why not,” General McButterball said, resignation in his voice. “We’ll go with that plan. Human existence was fun while it lasted.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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