Trump Thanks Those Who Have Died from Coronavirus for Bumping Up His Briefings’ TV Ratings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump took to Twitter this morning and did something no one could have possibly predicted based on the hundreds of tweets he’s posted since becoming president — he complained about Democrats and the media. It might come as a shock to some that Trump would be so harsh on his political rivals and the press, given that he’s so fully-embraced the role a free press plays in holding not just him, but any president, accountable to the people who elected him. Specifically, Mr. Trump lambasted “Radical Left Democrats” and the “Fake News Media” for criticizing his now daily COVID-19 response task force briefings.

President Trump’s completely out of character tweets, are below.

The subject of the TV ratings for his press conference came up again later in the day. President Trump was spotted stalking around the White House lawn by the press poll. He was asked about his tweets from this morning. In particular, Jim Mooneyham from CNI asked Trump why he seemed so focused on TV ratings at a time when so much of the country is on lockdown, just wanting to survive the COVID-19 outbreak to get back to some semblance of normalcy. Mooneyham asked if it was appropriate to gloat about TV ratings when so many Americans had already died from COVID-19 related complications.

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A visibly unnerved Trump gave Mooneyham the finger before responding.

“Have you seen my ratings, Jim? Have you? You little son of a bitch,” Trump howled, “have you seen them? I’m sorry, but I seem to remember a time in this country when people thought dying so the president gets a bump in the TV ratings was the most honorable sacrifice one could make. That’s the America I know and love, and the one you’re all going to be required by law soon to live in.”

Perhaps sensing what the headlines would be after this very out of character and surprising tirade might be, Trump seemed to make an attempt to soften his tone, ever so slightly.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I’m so so sorry! Did I hurt your little bullshit enemy of the people snowflake feelings? Here, let me do all you pussy-ass-cucks a favor, and show some gratitude,” Trump said. “I hear that’s a word that means something to some people. Not me. Not now, not ever. But fine, let me pretend to show some graceful gratitude, right here, and right now, you ready?”

Trump paused. He put his finger on his chins, and looked upward to the sky. It was as if he was thinking deeply about what to say. Then, he made a face and a fart came out.

“I’d like to extend my deepest and warmest thanks, and even a presidential puss-grab, to the brave souls who have died and helped give me a yuge bump in the ratings for my briefings,” Trump finally said, once he’d farted his thought out. “Truly, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I know people tune-in every day to hear how many more Americans died from a disease I got weeks of advance warning and did nothing about. So, without the kind people who have died so far dying, who knows where my ratings would be. There, you fuckin’ satisfied, you mooks?”

The president indicated last week that he’d like to start bringing in groups of his supporters to the briefings, stating that they they’re “pretty much already like rallies” because of how much time is devoted to stroking his ego and singing his praises. The president has also reassured Americans in the past week that his efforts with the coronavirus task force not in any way keep from “sucking [his] own dick.” The CDC, however, did issue strong guidance urging his supporters to use only their own hoods from now until the coronavirus outbreak has abated.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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