WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Donald Trump took to the podium in the White House briefing room for an event that has become a regular occurrence during the pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, sources say he had calming the fears of average Americans — and Wall Street investors — about the outbreak.
“Folks, look, I totally get it, okay? I totally get it,” Trump rambled as he addressed the nation, “I get that things are very difficult for many of you right now. But, I want to assure you, I really want to assure you, every single one of you — even my haters, which if I’m being honest i really don’t get why anyone would hate me, but really, I want to assure even my haters, as your president I am completely and totally focused on beating coronavirus.”
The president also said, however, that he is simultaneously “laser focused” on the “one thing [he has] never quite accomplished,” despite years and years of trying without success. President Trump assured Americans, though, that he can split his attention between both missions he’s given himself because he has “such a bigly yuge, stable genius brain.”
“Just because I’m fighting so hard on this coronavirus thing, that doesn’t mean I’m not doing what I’ve done every day of my life that I can remember,” Trump attempted to calm the public, “and that’s trying to suck my own dick. Quite frankly, I feel like I’ve come extremely close over the years, but I’ve never been able to just fully cram that thing into my word hole. Usually, that’s because I don’t shut the fuck up long enough to do anything else with my mouth, but other times, let me tell you, I have spent hours of my life, and if you add them all up probably months or even years, trying super-duper hard to suck my own dick.”
President Trump then gave the American people a sampling of the myriad ways he’s attempted to self-fellate.
“Every time I have one of these lapdog motherfuckers up here speak to how great I’m doing, that’s me trying to suck my own dick,” Trump explained. “Every time I retweet @JohnnyAmericaTrumpTrain69 on Twitter commending my efforts, that’s me trying to suck my dick. Each and every time I stand up here and tell you how I’m the first or best president to do something literally every president has done, you guessed it. That’s me, sucking my own dick.”
The president then explained why believes it’s so “bigly important and vital” for him to continue to suck his own dick.
“It’s been told to me, and I have every reason to believe this because it was said by people who are paid really, really big bucks to tell me things I want to hear,” President Trump divulged, “that during times of great crisis in this country, the one thing that’s always saved us has been our president’s ego. Truly, without a giant presidential ego, would we have beaten the British at Pearl Harbor? Would we have had the fortitude to defeat the Nazis after 9/11 without a big ego on the president? I think not. And nothing inflates a man’s ego like his dick being big enough that he can slide it into his own mouth. So, ergo, you should all sleep soundly knowing that your president won’t stop until his dick is crammed all the way down his gullet. God Bless America.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.