Trump Says He’s ‘Heard Good Things’ About Treating Coronavirus With Blowtorches and Flamethrowers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump continued to give unlicensed medical advice and consultation to the American people during today’s coronavirus press briefing. In recent days, Trump has dramatically ramped-up his very public support of hydroxychloroquine, a drug he claims has seen good results in the treatment of people infected with COVID-19. However, despite Trump’s effusive praise of hydroxychloroquine, Dr. Anthony Fauci, one of the chief medical professionals on the coronavirus task force, has tried to tamp down on any unrealistic expectations, urging caution as hydroxychloroquine has not been approved by the FDA for treating COVID-19.

This evening, Trump told Americans he’s “heard good things” about a new, even more experimental treatment for the novel coronavirus — blowtorches and flamethrowers.

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“I think I can say this, and please, Tony, Deborah, Mikey Pence-Pence, if you guys hear something you think is wrong, don’t hesitate to keep your fuckin’ mouth shut,” Trump began, “but I believe that we’ve seen some really, really, really interesting tests coming out of certain parts of the world, and I truly think we should take a good, hard, long look at this whole blowtorch and flameflower thing I’ve heard about.”

In short, Trump believes that “someone at some point” told him that in some eastern European countries, tests have shown it’s possible to treat the coronavirus with a combination of a blowtorch and a flamethrower. It’s unclear who exactly told Trump this and when, but sources say he’s “fully, full-on committed” to promoting the use of flamethrowers and blowtorches in the fight against the spread of the coronavirus. President Trump explained some of his thinking on the subject at the briefing.

“Look, look, you ready? You ready? Okay, here, let me just say this. First of all, your question is beyond inappropriate. It’s just so nasty and so mean to ask me to explain why I would give out medical or scientific advice without any real data to back it up,” Trump harangued a reporter, “but I’ll answer your bullshit question anyway. Here’s the thing — I’ve just heard things, okay? Good things. From people. Those people tell me they’re seeing results from treating the invisible enemy, the virus, with blowtorches and flamethrowers. What’s the big deal about me passing that information along, at any rate? People should know what I know, shouldn’t they?”

Trump said he “might maybe could possibly” start using a flamethrower and blowtorch on himself at some point, if he feels the symptoms of COVID-19. However, he also stated several times, emphatically, that he would not take any responsibility for any structure fires or deaths as a result of Americans self-prescribing themselves the treatment.

“I take none. No responsibility. Don’t look so shocked,” Trump shouted at the press pool, “this is par for the course! I take no responsibility for anything ever, anyway. What the hell have you got to lose? All I’m saying is that I’ve heard good things about blowtorches and flamethrowers treating coronavirus, okay? That’s it. So enough of your snarky gotcha questions about how I’ll feel when the first senior center burns down because someone listened to me and set themselves on fire, okay?”

Dr. Fauci facepalmed so hard at this exchange that he, for a short time, knocked himself unconscious. Dr. Birx tried in vain to get out of the room. The CDC released an emergency statement in the wake of the press briefing, and the president suggesting patients be treated for COVID-19 with blowtorches and flamethrowers.

“Please, for shit’s sake, STOP LISTENING TO THIS MAN ABOUT ANYTHING, AT ALL,” the CDC’s statement reads. “PLEASE. SERIOUSLY. STOP. FUCKING. LISTENING. TO. HIM.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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