WASHINGTON, D.C. — A big, fat, whiny, entitled, spoiled bitch stood in the White House press briefing room and insisted to reporters yesterday that his idiotic administration full of all kinds of miscreants, morons, misanthropes, and worse — Stephen Millers — would have had a much better response to the novel coronavirus outbreak if the media hadn’t been so mean to his big baby ass.
“Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” shouted the Toddler in Chief, “You guys quoted me accurately, and reported the facts in such a mean way! It’s all your fault that I fired the pandemic response team back in 2018! It’s all your fault, too, that I’m such an incompetening, whiny megalomaniac who needs daily ego stroking in front of cameras more than I feel the urge to help the Americans who are suffering from this disease! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Tears and farts were flowing as the tiny-handed manbaby with nuclear codes whined his way through the briefing.
“YOU GUYS JUST ALL ACT LIKE YOU’RE ALLOWED TO ASK ME WHATEVER YOU WANT,” the screeching dick-whistle complained. “IT’S LIKE YOU JACKASSES FEEL LIKE YOU’RE ALLOWED TO QUESTION ME! AS IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY DOING YOUR PART TO KEEP ME FROM BEING A LAWLESS TYRANT, WHICH IS MY RIGHT, ACCORDING TO BILLY BARR, MY PERSONAL ATTORNEY GENERAL!”
With the farts growing in intensity and duration, the human equivalent of full-blown AIDS kept right on whining to everyone in the room. He insisted that if he’d received “better press” on his handling of the COVID-19 outbreak, he’d have done a better job. Instead, he complained, the media “just kept reporting what was actually happening” instead of what he wanted them to report.
“All you fucking pieces of dog shit have to do is just say the things I want, how I want you to say them,” the permanently impeached bitch griped, “and I’d leave you alone. Hell, I’d sing your damn praises if you’d just listen to my orders and do exactly as I say and print what I want you to print. You should do that. It should be your patriotic duty, and the law of the land, but apparently the founders thought it was a good thing for you to be able to hold me accountable for the words that come out of my mouth and the utterly stupid shit I do. Idiots.”
Mr. Wants-To-Fuck-His-Daughter lamented that “all the press has to do” is report that his administration is doing and did a good job responding to coronavirus and “it would become true, whether it actually was true or not.”
“Sure, facts might say that we fucked up a lot of shit,” he groused, “but you do realize that if you just printed that we did a good job, people would believe it right? Sure, that’s literally fake news, but here’s the thing — there’s good fake news and bad fake news. The good kind that’s false but makes me look good, and the bad kind that’s accurate but makes me look bad. It’s really not that hard.”
Running out of steam, and farts, the big ol’ bitch finished up his comments on the media.
“You should be saying things like, ‘Oh, President Awesome Balls, you’re doing such a fine job. You’re amazing. Your hands are so normal-sized. Your genitals are so normal-shaped,'” the incessantly bellyaching buffoon blustered, “and then, if I give you approval, you get to ask the question I tell you to ask. This is how it should be, but no, those assholes had to give you pieces of shit freedom of the press when they wrote our so-called Constitution. Believe me, if I win in November, and I WILL FUCKING WIN NO MATTER WHAT, we’re going to be taking a good long look at opening up that whole First Amendment thing, bigly.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.