Trump Campaign Suspends Future Klan Rallies Out of Coronavirus Concerns

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign has announced it is suspending all of its future klan rallies out of an abundance of concern about the spread of the novel coronavirus. The decision to put a pause on any future klan rallies in support of the president’s re-election bid comes on the same day the White House issued brand new urgent guidance to every American, urging them to avoid gatherings of ten more more people.


Trump retweeted the request for Americans to stay at home over the next fifteen days to his followers.

Since he announced his initial candidacy back in 2015, Trump’s large, raucous rallies have been an important staple of his political career, which only began when he ran for president. First dubbed “Make America Great Again” rallies, then “Keep America Great” after his election, the gatherings have been compared to the political equivalent of the Gathering of the Juggalos. However, most historians note that even large crowds of Insane Clown Posse fans contain far more people of color than Trump’s rallies, which are much more closely related to klan rallies.

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“Their hoods are red and shaped like baseball caps,” Koris Dearns-Woodgin, a noted president historian and scholar told us in a Skype interview today, “but in terms of white animosity directed at people of color — immigrants especially — there’s no denying that each Trump rally has the look and feel of a klan rally.”

President Trump often tweets videos of large, almost entirely white, crowds queueing up for hours to get into the arena where his next rally is to take place. It’s because of just how large the rallies can get that the Trump campaign has decided to postpone all future events, until such time as the CDC says it’s safe to hold them. Brad Parscale, Trump’s campaign douche, told reporters at a press conference today that the president’s team didn’t want to close down its klan rallies, but had no choice because of how old the Trump crowds tend to skew.

“There’s a lot of older neo-confederates who love to bring their cousins and wives to our rallies,” Parscale told the media, “so even if that’s only two people, we still have to account for the health and well-being of a lot of older white folks, and as we all know there probably isn’t anything more fragile than an old white conservative. Ultimately we’re waiting for the CDC to tell us that it’s safe to gather in large groups and burn a few books together again. Once that happens, we’ll be holding even bigger and louder klan rallies than ever before!”

Today’s news came after it was confirmed that President Trump tested negative for the coronavirus. However, he tested positively for another, more dangerous ailment. We had the exclusive report on President Trump’s ongoing battle with dumbfuck flu.

Dumbfuck flu is a rare but exceedingly dangerous infection that is carried mostly be entitled, spoiled assholes who have never had to work for anything in their lives before, and have generally “failed up,” relying on their money, power, or connections to money and power to never face any consequences for their lifelong terrible, selfish, and idiotic decisions. Trump is not the first president to be diagnosed with dumbfuck flu, either. Another Republican, President George W. Bush tested positive for what was believed to be the worst case of dumbfuck flu at the time, weeks after the start of the Iraq War. (The Political Garbage Chute)

During today’s press conference, Trump was asked about when these new extreme measures might not be needed anymore. The president indicated it could be as late as August or even later in the year.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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