Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground

The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that seven out of ten Americans believe that President Donald Trump should self-quarantine during the coronavirus outbreak, and that he should consider doing it from within a hole, six feet underground. Mr. Trump attended this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, known as CPAC, and as a result was exposed to someone who later tested positive for coronavirus infection. The same person, who has not been named publicly, met and interacted with several prominent Republicans. As a result, Senator Ted Cruz, and Reps. Paul Gosar and Matt Gaetz all heeded the advice of medical professionals and put themselves into a self-quarantined status.

Thus far, Mr. Trump has flatly refused to do the same himself, and in a rose garden press conference at the White House Friday, he said that he didn’t feel he needed to self-quarantine because doctors told him he was asymptomatic. However, doctors have warned the public that they can be infected with the coronavirus, yet be showing no symptoms. The results of the poll, conducted by We Poll You So Hard, indicate that Trump may want to rethink his lack of self-quarantine, if he wants to keep 70% of Americans happy.

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Cynthia Hufflemeyer, We Poll You’s director of media communication, appeared on public radio this morning to discuss the poll’s results, which she described as “astounding.”

“What we found is that when you account for the margin of error, an astounding number of people in this country think President Trump should just bury himself alive, essentially,” Hufflemeyer explained. “70% of people in this country can’t agree on how much ice to put in your drink, or even that the sky is blue. There are very few politically-charged issues in particular that enjoy this kind of broad support. But if the president were to dig a hole six feet deep right now and hurl his pudgy self into it, I daresay seven in ten Americans would probably say a prayer of thanks to whichever God the worship…even the atheists.”

Ms. Hufflemeyer reiterated several times that the survey didn’t specifically address whether Trump should be breathing on his own at the time he’s buried six feet underground. The poll only asked respondents if he should take caution and quarantine himself, and if so, where. We Poll You didn’t offer any suggestions for quarantine locations; it was an open-ended question.

“Sometimes, our survey takers wouldn’t even let the question finish before they quickly shouted that the president should bury himself alive,” Hufflemeyer said, “or bury himself in the opposite of living state. His status of living was not really the primary concern; just that he put himself in a hole six feet below the soil. The results are quite conclusive, really.”

On Saturday morning, Trump tweeted in all-caps a suggestion the CDC gave Americans for reducing the risk of exposure to the coronavirus.

Hufflemeyer says that what her poll seems to indicate is that the overwhelming majority of Americans would like the president to partake in social distancing, but that they want the distance to be as close to six feet as possible, and the location to be underground.

“I never like to speculate too much about the motivations people have for answering our surveys like they do,” Hufflemeyer divulged, “so I don’t know if they thought maybe he couldn’t tweet as much if he was buried underground, or if they just really want him put as far away from the Oval Office as he can be. Whatever their reasoning, a truly staggering number of Americans are hoping President Trump quarantines himself in a hole six feet underground; that much I can assure you.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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