WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though he delayed being tested for over a week after being exposed at this week’s CPAC conference, President Donald Trump announced this weekend that he had been tested for coronavirus infection. The test, the White House said, came back negative, but only for coronavirus. Reportedly, at the same time that D.C. area doctors tested Trump for coronavirus, they took the opportunity to run a battery of tests on his blood, and there was one disease he tested “unmistakably positive” for, according to anonymous sources on the White House medical team.
“It is our honor and duty to announce that President Donald J. Trump tested negative for a coronavirus infection this weekend,” Dr. Skip Malloy told reporters in the White House briefing room today. “However, it is also our duty to inform you that the rumors are sadly true, he has tested conclusively positive for dumbfuck flu.”
Dumbfuck flu is a rare but exceedingly dangerous infection that is carried mostly be entitled, spoiled assholes who have never had to work for anything in their lives before, and have generally “failed up,” relying on their money, power, or connections to money and power to never face any consequences for their lifelong terrible, selfish, and idiotic decisions. Trump is not the first president to be diagnosed with dumbfuck flu, either. Another Republican, President George W. Bush tested positive for what was believed to be the worst case of dumbfuck flu at the time, weeks after the start of the Iraq War.
“I can remember at the time that none of us had seen dummychlorians like Dubya had,” Malloy mused. “Trump’s dummychlorians, though, are astronomically higher than President Bush’s were. In fact, I dare say I can hypothesize that President Trump’s dummychlorians are high enough to where they might have coalesced him into being without any help from his parents. It sounds crazy because we know how he was conceived, but Trump is so intensely dumb that his mother may never have had to actually fuck that flaming cross in a white robe, and he still would have probably been born.”
Dr. Malloy said that all of Trump’s adult children have been tested “out of an abundance of caution” and for the purposes of furthering the important study of dumbfuck flu.
“I don’t think anyone will be shocked or surprised to find out that every single one of them has a raging, uncontrollable, inoperable case of dumbfuck flu,” Dr. Malloy announced. “If ever there was a family that looked, talked, and acted like they had the dumbfuck flu, it’s the Trump clan. I’ve seen toothless, inbred rednecks in the Appalachians that still knew not to stare at eclipses, or steal money from charities that help pediatric cancer patients. I dare say we might have found the epicenter of dumbfuck flu in America, and the only question now is how we’re going to treat it.”
The CDC and WHO don’t have current estimates on how many people are infected with dumbfuck flu annually, but the latest statistics come from 2016.
“The data from 2016 seems to suggest that roughly 63 million Americans were infected with at least a mild form of dumbfuck flu,” Malloy indicated, “and that over the course of the last four years, it’s hard to tell how far it’s spread. For the sake of the country, we’re hoping dumbfuck flu has been relatively well-contained, but we’ll find out soon enough, by say, November or so.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.