WASHINGTON, D.C. — This Independence Day morning, President Trump started his day by deviating from his normal routine of hours of uninterrupted rage tweeting on the toilet, and instead sent an urgent message through the Kushner Back Channel Communications Network to Russian President Vladimir V. Putin.
“Dear Vlad, I was wondering — and this is only if it’s, like, totally cool with you of course, if I could maybe celebrate the Fourth of July today,” Trump’s communique to the Russian president reads. “You know, it’s technically our Independence Day here, I guess, and some of the people get really into it.”
On Tuesday, the Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report on the 2016 presidential election that would seem to toss an awful lot of cold water on a lot of the president’s more outspoken conspiracy theories, excuses, and defenses as they pertain to Russian interference aimed at helping him win. The committee’s report concurs with the overwhelming consensus of the intelligence community that Putin directed an influence campaign in an effort to push voters toward Trump and away from his opponent, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. The report is particularly problematic for Trump because the committee is chaired and run by Republicans.
If Trump’s own party sees evidence of Russia’s meddling, it’s unclear why Trump is so hesitant to publicly rebuke Putin for it. Some on the Hill have offered on idea, however.
“Well, would it do a puppet any good to yell at the hand up its ass for making a fist,” one insider asked us. “Because that’s what it would be like for Trump and Putin.”
Trump, in an effort to secure permission from his employer to have a Fourth of July party, made concessions to Mr. Putin.
“I keep meaning to say sorry about that Senate committee report,” Trump writes. “They had no right to do that to you, Sir. And I will absolutely be issuing an official Presidential Decree banishing them from the land. I’m having my head fascist Stephen Miller draft the decree right now.”
The Kremlin has issued a response to Trump’s request to celebrate America’s independence.
“Sure, my Little Orange Cyka, sure,” Putin wrote back. “You guys celebrate your…independence. Your complete and total independence. Because you’re definitely not beholden to anyone who helped you win, or helped facilitate billions of dollars in loans and business deals for your crime syndicate — excuse me — family’s organization. Sure, you go and celebrate being ‘free,’ Donny. We’ll talk later.”