America is amazing. If you don’t believe us, ask any American you meet. Somehow, we invented the concept of modern democratic rule, and no one has ever improved on it since. 239 years later, and no government has better done the whole “democracy” or “constitutional rights” thing than we have. Sure, we had to have a Civil War to wean us off the slavery teat. And sure, it took over a hundred years to get the right to vote if you happened to have tits and a vagina, and yeah if you wanna be all uppity about it, we literally just gave two adults of the same sex permission to be in a loving, committed, open relationship with each other. But by and large, we are the most amazing country on the face of the planet, and today is the day we humbly prove that to the world, as evidenced by the many political figures and average citizens decked out in red, white and blue, and singing our unending praises as the bestest, most awesomest, most freeomiest country in all the world.
“We all know that this is the most powerful country in the world,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) said as he addressed a July 4th crowd in Crown Oak, New Hampshire. The Texas conservative is crisscrossing the state this week, trying to drum up support for his 2016 presidential bid. “But,” Cruz continued, “today isn’t a day for us to flex our obvious military supremacy and perfect record in wars of choice since the end of World War II. Today is a day we celebrate just how darn good we are…at everything!” There were at least six dozen people in attendance at Cruz’s rally and a majority of them hooped and screamed in an almost Pavlovian manner as Cruz dolled out the pro-American sentiments.
Over in Galloping Fields, Iowa, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R) was doing much the same as Cruz — speaking to a collection of people gathered to hear him speak on the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. “This country is amazingly strong militarily, and more importantly we only use our great military power judiciously, and have never done anything bad with it,” Christie told the crowd. “Yet, today, let us simply pause and reflect at how perfect a nation we are. We are the most free nation in the world. Unless you want to smoke some pot. Or unless you want to be treated like a human being despite being gay, black or even perceived as having come from Mexico, or one of the other sorta Mexican countries that illegals come from. Let us celebrate our perfect perfection, together, as one nation under American-Only God!”
“It is true that we have the power to wipe out entire populaces,” said President Barack Obama at a 4th of July barbecue being held on the south lawn of the White House. “And we definitely can drone strike the living hell out of anyone, with or without trial. I know that one for a fact. But today, let us not be boastful of our great military strength. Let us be mindful instead of just how great we are at extending freedom, justice and equality to all Americans…once they spend years in oppression, long and drawn out court battles, and even suffer physical assaults. We eventually get around to actually making this country more free and equal.”
It wasn’t just politicians that were making sure the world knew just how great we were at freedom. Average citizens in Hill Brooke, Illinois marched in a “Parade of Freedoms Invented by Americans,” the theme of which was all the unique freedoms Americans enjoy, that no one had before, and that no country does better now, ever. For example, there was a “Only Industrialized Nation That Thinks Basic Health Care Isn’t a Human Right” float. There were also floats dedicated to “Being a So-Called Christian Nation That Hates Helping the Poor,” and “Everyone is Free, But Rich People Are More Free Because They’re Rich.”
Over in Lake Hinton, Mississippi the local town government got donations from several businesses in the area and are promising “one rowdy-dow of a fireworks show” that will feature advanced pyrotechnics that put some of America’s greatest accomplishments in freedom and democracy on full display. Harland Williams, Lake Hinton’s mayor promises “themes every American can get behind” in the fireworks display. “We have one that shows the Bible kicking the Koran’s ass and when it does, another explosion goes off behind it that shows the Ten Commandments and in big letters ‘God Bless America for All Those Who Believe in Him’ comes shooting up behind them. It’s amazing!”
“America is the best country ever,” Sarah Palin told a crowd at a local Chik-Fil-A. “Just ask the natives. Just ask the blacks. Just ask the gays. They are more free now than they have ever been before. And yes, my side of the political spectrum fought extending those freedoms tooth and nail. But it wouldn’t be America if we couldn’t, as Americans, ignore realty and pretend as if everything is perfect here all the time, no matter how many unarmed black people are shot. No matter how many mass shootings we have. No matter how much systemic racism and hatred of the poor we have in this country. We’re still the best country at being free and liberty-loving, you betcha!