NRA to Host Fourth of July Celebration at Fort Sumter

FARIFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre announced that his organization will be hosting a special Fourth of July celebration at Fort Sumter in South Carolina.

The NRA has come under considerable criticism over the last week and half after they produced a video starring right-wing pundit Dana Loesch that appeared to advocate violence against liberals. The video uses stark imagery and hyperbolic rhetoric to paint America’s left as a rabid, fascist, anti-freedom group of people that American gun owning conservatives must arm up to defend against. In the ad, images of anti-Trump protests and even some riots are used to underscore the ad’s message — that liberals are dangerous and only guns can protect you from them.

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Many have criticized the ad as promoting violence against political adversaries. However, Loesh and others have defended the ad, saying that it’s anti-violence even though the message is clearly that conservative Americans need to and should buy more guns and arm themselves in order to defend their values. LaPierre addressed criticism of the ad in a roundabout way at a press conference announcing the NRA’s Fort Sumter celebration.

“There are some of the snowflake persuasion who don’t understand how freedom and liberty work,” LaPierre said, “and they have criticized our totally rational and sane sounding ad. Just because we imply there might come a time that conservatives need to take up arms and shoot liberal Americans, that doesn’t mean we are advocating violence! It means we are saying violence might be okay in certain circumstances we agree with, duh-doy!”

LaPierre says the Fort Sumter celebration will “highlight the glorious role of guns in American life” as well as “honor the fallen heroes of America’s Civil War.”

“We all know that the NRA just loves it when Americans get shot,” LaPierre says, “because it means an American gun was most likely used. And nothing gets us hotter or makes our liberty jeans wetter, than American guns being used to kill Americans. So of course we’d want to honor the war in which the most American guns were used to kill the most Americans, again, duh-doy!”

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The NRA’s Fourth of July celebration will be called, “Give me Semi-Automatic Weapons Capable of Turning First Graders Into Swiss Cheese or Give Me Death! Just Kidding, The Only People Who Deserve Death Are Libtarded Gun Grabbes Day.”

“Yes, it’s a very long-winded name,” LaPierre said, “but the NRA is used to long, broken wind passing as intellectual thought, so you know, YOLO!”

The day’s festivities will include practice gun ranges with a variety of “special targets,” LaPierre said.

“The liberals are dividing this country every day with their rhetoric and messaging,” LaPierre said, “and so that’s why we’re going to let our good, clean, ammo hoarding, gun worshiping, Christian patriots who attend the celebration to practice shooting at targets that look like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, and the worst liberal of all, Jesus Christ, that long-haired, universal healthcare promoting hippie needs to be taken down a peg, if you ask us.”

Watch the NRA’s highly controversial ad starring Dana Loesch, below:


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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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