WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, after 24-hours of presentations by the House managers in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump, the White House legal team began making their own opening arguments. In an unforeseen turn of events, however, it seems that after some confusion among the lawyers, they have delivered a staggering, blistering defense of the president. However, it was a defense not of his actions as they relate to his alleged attempt to extort a foreign country into helping him secure re-election; it was a defense of his professed sexual feelings for his daughter, Ivanka.
“Chief Justice Roberts, distinguished senators, why are we here, anyway? Is it a crime to want to fuck the living hell out of your own daughter,” White House defense lawyer Jay Sekulow asked in his opening statements. “I can’t speak for every state in this great nation, but I know that in most of the states that carried this great president to victory in 2016, it is most certainly not illegal. That’s because those states carry the rich confederate tradition of rebellion, of going against the status quo, just as this good, clean, white-skinned president does in almost preternatural way.”
Sekulow argued that Democrats “just want to impeach this man” because they’re “skeeved out by the idea of banging your daughter.”
“But that’s not a high crime or misdemeanor. In fact, one could argue it’s quite biblical in nature,” Sekulow argued. “Ask yourself this — how did we get from Adam and Eve to seven billion people on this planet without some early humans doinking blood relatives? It’s impossible, which means that wanting to fuck your own daughter is at least a little bit biblical. And if it’s biblical in nature, then for sure it’s Christian, which would make sense because this is the most Christian president we’ve ever had.”
Mr. Sekulow held aloft a printout of data released from adult content website PornStop. The data seems to suggest that in states carried by Trump in 2016, the top search for pornographic content was “daddy/daughter.” With righteous indignation pouring out from his voice and words, Sekulow assailed Democrats for “not being in tune with what what real Americans want.”
“You can’t impeach a president because he knows better than you what the American people want. You can’t impeach him for you not being in tune with what real Americans want,” Sekulow howled. “Imagine the shocked look on James Madison’s face when you told him you’re impeaching a man because he wants to fuck his own daughter! Nowhere, and I mean nowhere because I spent a solid week reading every word in it, does the Constitution say a darn word about shtuping your own offspring. NO-GOSH-DANG-WHERE! Anyone who suggests otherwise is simply parroting fake news talking points.”
At one point, it seemed like Sekulow might actually start talking about the facts of the case against Trump as presented by Rep. Adam Schiff and the rest of the House impeachment managers. However, within moments, it was clear that was not going to be the case.
“Ukraine. Let’s talk about Ukraine for a moment. Mr. Schiff may not want us to go there, but we have an obligation to our client, the President of the United States of America to go there,” Sekulow said. “So let’s do this. Did you know in Ukraine there are also no laws against a president wanting to fuck his own daughter? So, again, I have to ask, why are the Democrats even bringing up Ukraine? It’s a distraction. They know they can’t make a serious case against this great man’s desire to mash his wrinkly mushroom into his daughter’s hidey-hole. So they’re invoking the red herring of Ukraine.”
As he ended his remarks, Sekulow personally challenged the House impeachment managers to fisticuffs.
“And I’ll tell you this much. I issue a challenge to any of you House manager cucks right here and right now,” Sekulow raged. “Meet after the proceedings today. By the flagpole. I will fight to the death for my president’s right to fuck his own daughter. Because that’s the America that real, good, clean, honest, God fearing, red meat eating, Russian propaganda ingesting, ammo hoarding Christian American patriots want. They want a D-list reality TV conman and lifelong racist to lie to them over sixteen thousand times. They want that same conman to extort foreign governments into cheating in our elections to own the libs.”
Sekulow paused here, allowing the tension to build in the room.
“…and yes, yes my friends. The American people want a president who desperately wants to get into his daughter’s panties,” Sekulow said. “No amount of evidence presented by Shifty Schiff and the DEMON-crats can change that fact. So I conclude with the same question I started with. Why are we even here?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.