WASHINGTON, D.C. — For Freshman Senator Josh Hawley’s (R-MO), Rep. Adam Schiff and the rest of the House impeachment managers have not made a strong enough case to convict and remove President Donald John Trump from office.
Despite Schiff and his team methodically piecing together a case built on damning testimony from several career foreign service and diplomatic officials that indicate Trump had a deep obsession with tarnishing former Vice President Joe Biden before potentially facing him in the general election later this year, Hawley says he has been “unmoved” by what he’s heard. Hawley told reporters last night that what he’s taking away from the first few days of the Senate impeachment trial isn’t that Trump very clearly leveraged the power of his office to extort a foreign government into helping him politically. Instead, Hawley says his “main takeaway” is that “the Democrats are really terrified we’re going to impeach Hunter Biden.”
“For starters, nowhere in the Constitution will you find the phrase, ‘You cannot exert pressure on a foreign government to force them into committing to phony, sham investigations of fever dream conspiracy theories cooked up by Rudy Giuliani,'” Hawley expressed. “So let’s just get that out of the way right now. Democrats can’t call what our dear president did unconstitutional because what they’re accusing him of literally isn’t even in the Constitution itself. Secondly, what I think is becoming very obvious and apparent to those of us in the heartland, those of us who know the value of a good nude pic of our cousins, is that they’re absolutely terrified at the prospect of us impeaching the living daylights out of Hunter Biden.”
Senator Hawley insisted that Democrats don’t want Republicans impeaching Hunter Biden, and that’s why they won’t let him testify.
“Oh, sure, they say it’s because his testimony isn’t relevant, but relevant is just a cucky word used by intellectual elitists when they think we’re trying to just, you know, distract our poorly educated base,” Hawley posited, “but that’s hogwash. What are they so afraid of? Let him testify if you don’t think he’ll say anything we can impeach him for! Some say he’s not president and doesn’t hold any other office we can impeach him from, but that sounds like LIBTARD BULLCRAP to me.”
Hawley admitted that “if the evidence presented in the Senate” had been against a president who was a Democrat, he’d be “jumping over people to vote to convict” them. However, given that Trump is a Republican, he finds the evidence insufficient. There’s another reason he’s hesitant to convict Trump based on the evidence presented thus far.
“The president also has his hand firmly up my ass. He calls me Kermit, which is weird because I didn’t think he even knew who the Muppets were,” Hawley announced. “But you all can imagine how awkward it would be for me to convict and remove a guy from office who’s making my lips move and words come out of my mouth, can’t you? Now, let’s get back to talking about Hunter Biden, because that’s really the issue here. And if Biden drops out, we’ll talk about Bernie’s kids. Or Warren’s. We have no idea how much corrupt and obvious nepotism the Democrats are participating in.”
Just then, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump walked by. They smiled and nodded to Hawley, who returned their greeting. Hawley then walked up to the couple and started wagging his tail happily, barking and yipping, looking for attention and approval. Kushner fed Hawley a treat while Ivanka stood there with a cold, aloof look on her face.
“That’s a good boy, Josh,” Ivanka finally said. “That’s a VERY good boy! Who’s a good boy? You are Josh! You’re a good little boy, Josh! Daddy’s going to be so pleased with you, Josh!”
Jared and his wife walked away.
“Where was I? Oh, right, the corrupt nepotism of the left,” Hawley said. “That’s what President Trump was clearly worried about. Corrupt nepotism. If anyone is an expert on that subject, too, it’s President Trump. That’s of course why the Democrats are so scared of us impeaching Hunter Biden, which I can assure you is something we’re taking a good, hard, long look at. Because we can’t trust anyone who would give a job to someone just because they happen to be their offspring -”
Suddenly, Donald Trump Jr was by Hawley’s side. Trump Jr nodded his head approvingly, and applauded as Hawley made his remarks. Hawley seemed a little startled by seeing Donald Jr, but took a high-five from him anyway.
“You tell ’em Josh! You’re owning those libtards right now,” Junior yelled a little too excitedly. “OWNING THEM HARDCORE. BLEXIT! WALK AWAY! SHIFTY SCHIFF!”
Hawley put a hand up, trying to slow Donald Jr down a notch.
“Yes, great, thanks Donald Jr. Great to see you as always,” Hawley said, acknowledging the president’s son. “How are things running the Trump organization? Did you ever get that surgery for your chronic jizz face?”
The two men exchanged a couple more pleasantries, and then the younger Trump said he had to go take a meeting with some “comrades” about “adoption or whatever.”
“Okay, now, where was I, again? Oh, right. Nepotism is bad,” Senator Hawley repeated. “Okay, I gotta go now. But just remember, everything I said is completely valid and true, no matter what it sounds like when you start applying critical thinking to it. See you soon.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.