Cruz: “Democrats Are Waging a Partisan Attack On Our Partisan Acquittal After our Partisan Trial”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Zodiac Cruz (R-Trump’s Rectal Cavity) lashed out at Congressional Democrats this morning has he headed into the Senate chamber. Cruz was preparing to participate in the third day of the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump. In his remarks to the press, Cruz echoed sentiments he expressed last night, and expounded on them.

“What we are witnessing here is a true travesty of hyper-partisanship, and I should know,” Sen. Cruz told reporters, “because I witnessed and was a party to the greatest hyper-partisanship in our nation’s history back when Blackface McDemocratPants was president for eight, long, arduous years. For goodness sakes, I helped block literally every bill put forth by Blacky and his party, and gleefully helped our great Leader McConnell block Blacky’s constitutionally mandated appointment to the Supreme Court on purely partisan grounds. So, I’m very much so a subject matter expert when it comes to partisan hackery, having helped write the book.”

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Cruz attacked Democrats for impeaching President Trump for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, calling it a “partisan attack.”

“What even is abuse of power? I’ll tell you what it is to me. It’s wearing a tan suit, and terrorist fist bumps. It’s putting FRENCH MUSTARD on your hamburger,” Cruz said with all the tonality of a preacher on Sunday, “and yet, we didn’t try to impeach Blacky, did we? No. But here we see Democrats are waging a partisan attack on our partisan acquittal after our partisan trial. I for one hope the American people are paying attention to their utter chicanery. Unless they’re libtards, and then, frankly, I hope they have a stroke and die, respectfully…respectfully.”

Sen. Cruz was mocked mercilessly by Trump in 2016 on the campaign trail. Then-candidate Trump called him “Lyin’ Ted.” Trump made fun of Heidi Cruz, a woman with the monumentally low self-esteem it  takes to mate with the Texas Republican more than once. Trump even intimated that Cruz’s father participated in a conspiracy to assassinate President John F. Kennedy. Cruz was asked how he can defend a man who clearly has no respect for him or his loved ones.

“Well, I’ll tell you why — my love and loyalty. Not the country. Certainly and obviously not to my family. But to the Republican Party,” Cruz answered. “But what does me being willing to sacrifice my principles for my party have to do with partisanship, I ask you. I can tell you unequivocally and with complete confidence that what the Democrats are doing right now is just partisan nonsense dressed up as alleged constitutional duties to hold the president so-called accountable. But I ask you this, how many of you have read your pocket Constitutions as much as I have? Prolly none. Prolly NONE OF YOU. So let me give you this bit of trivia: nowhere does it say the word ‘accountable’ in that document Leader McConnell burned yesterday. Nowhere. So what they’re doing, what the Democrats are doing, is completely unconstitutional because it’s not even in the Constitution!”

Cruz warned Democrats that if they continue to pursue impeachment against Trump, he and his fellow Republicans will “have no choice” but to answer with their own “partisan witch hunt.”

“And it’ll be different than the partisan witch hunts we undertook after Blacky farted, burped, or coughed in a way we didn’t like,” Cruz admonished. “It won’t be like us accusing him of not being an American because of his name and skin color, okay? It’ll be, like, way more differenter and stuff. Trust me. They don’t want to do this. I urge my Democratic colleagues to do as I say, not as I do. Thanks, and see you guys in there!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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