WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s not a secret that President Trump and many of his allies in Congress are desperate for states to end their COVID-19 lockdowns and open their economies back up, as quickly as possible.
Despite the fact that almost none of the states have met the CDC’s guidelines for reopening their states, many are planning to push forward anyway. Medical experts have been warning for weeks now that re-opening the nation’s battered economy before reliable, widespread testing is available could cause a new surge in COVID cases, which would possibly necessitate re-issuing stay-at-home orders. It’s a delicate balance, many are finding, to keep their people safe while not allowing their state’s economy to crater completely.
One thing millions of Americans are anxiously waiting for is a coronavirus vaccine to be developed. If they can be inoculated, it would provide much-needed comfort and perhaps ease the worst fears of the American working class, millions of whom do not want to return to their places of work and risk exposure to the deadly virus. But with even the most generous estimates putting a reliable vaccine months away, President Trump announced today that Americans who wish to return to work before the vaccine is developed can do so and be safe, provided they drink a specially-formulated Kool-Aid he had developed.
“I used the Defense Production Act and ordered the fine folks at Kool-Aid to begin making a new formula I personally developed in a lab here at the White House,” Trump announced during an Oval Office press event with the CEO of Patrio-Dildos, a company that specializes in Americana-themed sex toys. “This Kool-Aid, which you can only get from me, by the way, is the best defense we have so far against the ugly, evil, invisible enemy. I promise you, if you drink my Kool-Aid, you will definitely not die from the coronavirus.”
President Trump refused to divulge the exact formula used in his special Kool-Aid, however he said that he’ll “eventually” release the ingredients.
“I tell you what, I’ll release the ingredients for my all-powerful, fully-healing, totally protective Kool-Aid the same day I release my tax returns,” Trump offered. “A kinda buy one, get one except this is better because you don’t have to buy anything from me. I mean, if you want to give me money — and why wouldn’t you, because I’m so very good with money, just ask the casino I ran — I’ll take it. But really, all you have to do is be patient, and you’ll eventually see my taxes and what I put in this very yummy Kool-Aid!”
The president believes that his Kool-Aid is so powerful and it might be “better than vaccines.”
“Anything with my name on it is going to be better than anything without it,” Trump said. “So, look, I don’t want to say it, but maybe I will…okay, I will. You probably don’t even need a vaccine if you drink my Kool-Aid.”
Trump’s Kool-Aid isn’t the first miracle cure he’s put forward this week, either. As we reported earlier, Trump University’s medical school believes they’ve developed a cure for COVID-19 using “serpentine grease.” Dr. David Avocado Wolfe, lead researcher at the Trump University School of Medicine and Daughter Bagning exlpained how the elixir works.
Wolfe describes serpentine grease as “the oily secretion of certain snakes” that he says “true health gurus” have known for centuries can fight off any number of infectious diseases. It was an “absolute stroke of stable genius” to suggest using covfefe as a base and adding the “powerful aura and karma cleansing abilities” found in serpentine grease, Wolfe believes. He told reporters that Trump “very likely” deserves a Nobel Prize in chemistry for this new drug. (Political Garbage Chute)
“Combine this Kool-Aid with our serpentine grease miracle cure, and by golly, I’d say you’ll be damned-near invincible,” Trump boasted. “Besides, like I always say, what the hell have you got to lose, anyway? Besides your life, I mean.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.