Trump Promises to Defeat the Coronavirus With the Electoral College

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump has vowed on multiple occasions to lead the United States in its effort to defeat COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus. Despite having months of advance warning, Trump largely downplayed fears and concerns about a pandemic outbreak of the virus until as late as February. Since the virus made its way onto American soil, however, Trump has been attempting to cast himself as a war time president, leading the nation through a time of great crisis.

Today, Mr. Trump reaffirmed his pledge to beat the coronavirus, revealing as he did a new tactic his administration would try to combat the spread of the virus.

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“I’m going to beat that thing, okay? Me. Not anyone else. Not the doctors. Not the stupid little bullshit WHO with all their China love,” Trump asserted in the Oval Office during a meeting with the CEO of MyPillow this morning. “All I need, really, is the Electoral College. It’s how I was able to defeat CROOKED KILLARY CLINT-STONED, remember?! What a wonderful thing, the Electoral College. It takes someone who would have lost and makes them a winner!”

Trump said he plans to order each state, using “infinite powers” he says Attorney General Barr told him he possesses as president, to put COVID-19 on the election ballots. That’s how he’ll make sure that the Electoral College is used as weapon against the virus. Trump believes that states should have more than enough time to make the necessary ballot changes to pit COVID-19 against him.

“If they need to take SLEEPY PEEPY WEEPY SHEEPY JOE BIDEN off the ballots, then that is what they should do,” Trump insisted. “If you ask me, it’s far more important that I beat the coronavirus than I beat SLEEPY CREEPY SMO-SMEEPY TOE-TEEPY KO-KEEPY JOE BIDEN, isn’t it? I say, let me beat coronavirus, and then, if I feel like it, and we have time, we’ll circle back to me and STEEPY BEEPY MEEPY YEEPY JOE BIDEN. Know what I mean?”

Sean Hannity told his radio listeners today that he thinks Trump’s plan to use the Electoral College to defeat COVID-19 is “literally the best, boldest, bravest, and smartest plan” conceived by any president, living or dead.

“I tell you this much, fellow patriots, there is literally no one smarter than Donald Trump alive today,” Hannity insisted. “He’s using all the tools the Constitution gives him. If Trump had been in charge during the Civil War, no way we would’ve lost!”

This week, the American COVID-19 death toll surprassed a grisly milestone. More Americans have now died in the past two months from the coronavirus than died during the entire Vietnam War. Images of American G.I.s coming home in pine boxes are often credited with building public pressure to end that conflict; it’s unclear if images of mass grave sites in New York and in other hot spots will have a similar effect on the collective American psyche.

“Of course the president will be able to use the Electoral College to defeat the coronavirus,” Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Rectum) told WKKK Talk Radio’s Chip Chatterly this morning. “What a brilliant idea, really, if you think about it. Frankly, Republicans have a hard time beating anything without the Electoral College if they can’t simply cheat or keep other people from participating. This seems like a real stroke of genius to leverage the Electoral College/Republican connection, if you ask me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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