NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The entire country, indeed the entire world’s population, is desperate for a COVID-19 vaccine. As the planet grapples with a pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, researchers are fighting to discover and invent treatments for the virus, the wait may be shorter than many had believed it could be. That’s because one of the world’s most disrespected and highly doubted medical schools has announced it’s ready to start clinical trials of what they’re calling a “miraculously stupendous, superlatively curative, and curiously effervescent” vaccine for COVID-19.
This morning, the lead researcher at Trump University’s Medical and Daughter Boning School announced that his lab is moving forward to clinical trials of a drug they believe will “wipe out COVID-19” once it’s been administered to enough people.
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“Folks, this one is, as we say around the lab here, a bigly one,” Dr. David Avocado Wolfe told reporters. “Using a combination of chemtrails, meth, and the key ingredient — serpentine grease — we have synthesized a drug that will absolutely guarantee whoever takes it won’t die from coronavirus. That’s right, I can already say with complete certainty that if you take our miracle cure-all, it will definitely not be the coronavirus that kills you.”
Dr. Wolfe said that the drug was commissioned by none other than the country’s Premiere Medical Doctor Guy in Chief, President Donald J. Trump. Wolfe divulged that as Trump Medical and Daughter Boning School’s dean and primary financial backer, he has the power to direct the research efforts of the team Wolfe has assembled. After Trump was lambasted in the press for suggesting that disinfectants and UV light could be injected to fight COVID-19, Wolfe says he received a call from the White House.
“David, the president told me, I want you to to prove all those enemies of the people wrong,” Wolfe said the president ordered him. “They tell me you can’t inject disinfectant or UV light? Fuck them. Prove them wrong, and you invent it. It’s your show, but I say you start with some covfefe and then suspend that in a serpentine grease solution.”
Wolfe describes serpentine grease as “the oily secretion of certain snakes” that he says “true health gurus” have known for centuries can fight off any number of infectious diseases. It was an “absolute stroke of stable genius” to suggest using covfefe as a base and adding the “powerful aura and karma cleansing abilities” found in serpentine grease, Wolfe believes. He told reporters that Trump “very likely” deserves a Nobel Prize in chemistry for this new drug.
“The way I see it, this is the most important discovery ever made in the field of medicine and alternative science,” Wolfe pronounced. “Big Pharma could never have done this. Only our Dear President and his amazing brain could have guided us to this razzle-dazzle tonic that’s sure to kill the COVID creepin’ into your bones.”
The trials will begin, maybe surprisingly, on some of Trump’s own children.
“The president really doesn’t care about most of his crotch fruit. The oldest blonde one with the tits he’s all about,” Wolfe said, “but he says his sons are dumb enough to run trials on because he remembers what hideous little mongrels they were as kids. I don’t know. Anyway, the point is, hopefully Eric doesn’t die from this drug, and only gets progressively stupider. But that might not be a congenital condition and not the drug, so that’s why we hold trials.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.