VAPID ATTENTION WHORE, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributing racist Tabitha Lahren said during a segment on Fox & Morons this morning that she still “very much agrees” with the idea that “all lives matter” and that African Americans are “whiny snowflakes” about police brutality. However, Lahren said that when it comes to opening states’ economies back up, “absolutely nobody’s lives matter.”
“I don’t get why libtarded cucks get confused about this. I can be very pro-life and very pro-cop, believe that all lives matter,” Lahren said while speaking approximately six hundred miles a minute, “and still believe that when it comes time to open up our Dear President’s super-MAGA-ized economy that literally nobody’s lives matter. All lives matter except when you need to die for the economy. That’s not hypocrisy. It’s moral inconsistency, so get it right, SNOWFLAKES! BOOM! MIC DROP!”
Lahren reached behind her and pulled out a toy microphone and dropped it.
“Ya just got BURNT, ya’ll! Anyway, the point is that it says right in the Bible, and it’s backed up by the Constitution that we’re all required to help make rich people richer,” Lahren suggested. “If we don’t, then that’s how you get SOCIALISM. It’s just that easy. So now that we’ve all ran and hid away from this virus just because it could kill, like, what, a few hundred thousand people if we did nothing, it’s time for us to get back to work making rich people richer. There’s, like, literally no other point to living, am I right?”
All the automatons in expensive suits hosting the show agreed with Tuberculosis; no lives really matter when it comes to the economy.
“Sure, you could argue, I guess, that like, I’m so inconsistent in my principles as to render them pointless,” Lahren conceded, “or you can also shut the fuck up and quit being a little bitch, LIBTARDS. Your choice. But I have guns, and you have six trillion genders and an addiction to big daddy government I don’t have.”
Lahren paused for a moment to catch her breath.
“I don’t worship the government like you idiots do,” Lahren continued. “Me knowing that President Trump is literally God, that he will fix everything and cure the coronavirus all by himself, and that he’s got normal-sized hands and genitals isn’t blind worship! It’s undying faith and allegiance! GET IT RIGHT, CUCKS!”
All the emotion and anger brought a fart out of Lahren. She didn’t bother excusing herself. Instead, she said it “must’ve been Obama or whatever” and kept on talking.
“Maybe I just don’t like socialism enough to think that we should just all sit on our asses and wait for a so-called vaccine from so-called doctors who got their so-called degrees in schools paid for by taxes that the government STEALS from us,” Lahren howled. “Sure, I get confused because in my mind socialism is literally everything I don’t understand, which is also literally everything, but that doesn’t mean we can just stay locked in our homes forever! There are corporate profit margins at stake here, libtards!”
Farting again, Lahren put a button on her commentary for the segment.
“Woof! That Obama! Fartin’ up a storm! It ain’t me, fam, I’ll tell you that much right now,” Lahren said. “Let me just put it to you all this way, since I know you gotta get to that hard hitting interview with the guy who thinks George Soros is literally Satan. The bottom line is that some of us work real hard for a living. Not me, of course, I just flap my jaws up and down and dumb shit comes out of it that people pay me for. But I’m told some people work hard, and they wanna keep working hard. But these meanie-head governors are keeping their citizens on lockdown which is exactly what the Nazis did to the Jews except with out the murder and gas chambers and people can still leave their homes for essential things. Makes you think, doesn’t it?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.