Federal Reserve Funds $1.5 Trillion in Universal Bank Care

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In bold, decisive action this week, the Federal Reserve Bank authorized the injection of $1.5 trillion into the financial sector of the economy as part of the United States’ longstanding universal bank care program. President Trump signalled he was pleased with the decision, calling it “the kind of socialism rich folks can get behind.” Trump praised the Fed, who he has often lambasted for not cutting interest rates enough to his liking, for “taking care of the important people first and foremost.”

“I just think of all the testing kits and medicine we could afford with a trillion and a half bucks,” Trump told reporters from an Oval Office quarantine due to coronavirus concerns, “and I’m so glad we dumped it into the pockets of people who already have more than enough money. Imagine the kind of country we’d live in if we didn’t take care of the banks and the rich people who owned them! I shudder to think, really.”

Trump Asks Joint Chiefs If U.S. Can ‘Nuke Coronavirus Like A Hurricane’

The market’s reaction to the threat of a major pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus in the U.S. has been breathtaking, to say the least. All the stock exchanges saw multiple days of absolutely staggering losses beginning roughly two weeks ago. On Wednesday of this week, the Dow Jones suffered its largest single day slide since Black Monday, a day in 1987 that saw one of the worst crashes since the the Great Depression. The trillion and a half dollars in liquidity that the Fed just gave the banking industry is meant to help stave off any further lasting or lingering effects on the financial sector.

“Well, I think this is a bigly good thing, really. It’s like our socialist welfare program for the farmers,” Trump explained. “Yes, for years Republicans have argued we can’t afford big welfare programs because of how much they cost, but as far as I know, none of those programs involve Bank of America or Chase executives’ vacation properties. So I think the Fed did the right thing in making sure that the guys in the suits, you know, the real American wage earners, that they’re well taken care of and feel secure.”

President Trump strongly urged his followers and the Republican Party to “get the message out” about the Fed’s injection of capital. He said that “unlike food, shelter, and medicine for the poor, sick, and needy,” bailing out the financial markets was “vital, necessary, good, and not at all like socialism in a bad way.” Trump pulled out a picture of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and pointed wildly at it.

“See this? THIS IS BAD SOCIALISM! THIS IS SOCIALISM FOR THE WEAK, FOR THE POOR, FOR THE DEFENSELESS,” Trump yelled. “In a Christian nation, how could we allow ourselves to take care of the poor, the sick, and the needy, when our rich overlords might suffer a loss of money they’ll just recoup the next time the market bounces back up again? I’m telling you, that’s an America I don’t want to live in, and I dare say none of you do either!”

Trump’s nervousness about the stock markets’ performance is not a secret on the Hill. Last week, we reported that he issued an executive order, demanding that they start treating their index like golf scores, where the lower the number, the “better” the result for investors.

“So if the problem is that the numbers are dropping too low, obviously the easiest solution is to make it so that low numbers are actually good,” Trump said, pride in his voice. “That’s an idea I came up with all by myself, by the way. Everyone told me, when I told them about it, that it was probably my best idea.” (Political Garbage Chute)

President Trump warned the stock markets today that if they don’t “shape up and start putting up better numbers,” it could “threaten real damage.”

“If I’m not re-elected, that is literally the worst thing that has ever, or will ever, happen to this country,” Trump claimed. “So they better shape up and start putting up better numbers. I don’t even want to think about what I’m capable of, if they don’t.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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