WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the markets opened today, the Dow Jones Industrial average opened with another plummet of over 1,000 points. This has seen the largest drop in the markets since the start of the great recession. Fears and uncertainty about a possible widespread pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus have spurred a sharp sell-off, wiping out trillions of dollars in gains. On the Hill, there’s one man in particular who is quite concerned about the markets plummeting, and he believes he has the power to do something about it.
President Donald Trump skulked out onto the White House lawn this morning and announced that he had just signed an executive order specifically to address the tumbling market indices.
“First of off, I just want to assure everyone my administration is going to be just as successful in our response to the coronavirus as it was to the hurricane in Puerto Rico,” Trump began, “so really I wish everyone would chill out. This is the same administration that responded to wildfires by suggesting we rake the forests. So, you tell me who’s up for this challenge. But, I wanted to announce that just now I’ve signed a new executive order that will, one way or another, fix the markets, okay?”
Trump said his new order directs all stock exchanges in the United States to “work like golf scores.” In the game of golf, a player tries to keep his stroke count, or score, as low as possible. Mr. Trump has ordered the markets to begin using “golf score rules,” he said.
“So if the problem is that the numbers are dropping too low, obviously the easiest solution is to make it so that low numbers are actually good,” Trump said, pride in his voice. “That’s an idea I came up with all by myself, by the way. Everyone told me, when I told them about it, that it was probably my best idea. In fact, a couple of people who are paid to suck up to me said flat-out that this is probably the best presidential idea since the Emancipation Proclamation, whatever that is. Lindsey Graham actually took my dick out of his mouth and told me he thinks it’s the best presidential idea ever, and I tell you what…I agree with Lindsey.”
While it has not traditionally been the role of the president in a mixed-market economy to make such directives, Trump says he’s confident his allies in Congress will defend his new order.
“They understand something that I think my base understands too — I’m not a Democrat. More importantly,” Trump insisted, “I’m not a black Democrat. Of course if previous black administrations had pulled half the shit I have in terms of bossing American companies around, and trying to bull the Fed into doing my bidding, my friends in the Senate and House would have demanded the president be impeached. But, now that we have a president of the white — excuse me, right — shade of skin, they can see the beauty of a lawless tyrant asshole white collar crook making all the decisions.”
Trump’s confidence in his support from Republicans in Congress was well-founded, as it turns out.
“I have no problem with this new order,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters. “Wait, hold on. Is he still a Republican? He is? Okay, then yes, my answer stands. I support this order. It’s great. In fact, if he were to order the markets nationalized, I’d be okay with it. As long as we pack the courts with unqualified religious nutcases, and cut taxes for my rich overlords, I’m good with whatever a Republican president does. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a hunk of coal that needs me to rub my old, flaccid genitals all over it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.