Trump Now Requires Everyone to Get Coronavirus Test Before Kissing His Ass

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has instituted a new White House visitation policy that will require any and all Congressional Republicans who show up for a regularly scheduled ass kissing to first submit to a coronavirus test. Then, once the results are verified, the president says they are free to come into the Oval Office and do what they came to do, namely kissing his ass. The news comes as several Trump loyalists have been forced to self-quarantine after exposure to the novel coronavirus during last weekend’s CPAC conference.

“I love having my ass kissed, don’t get me wrong,” President Trump shouted at reporters on the White House lawn today. “We’re in no way canceling ass kissing. If anything, as this is an election year, the ass kissing should increase, not decrease. But you can never be too cautious in times of an outbreak, and frankly I don’t want them kissing my ass until I know for certain whether they have coronavirus or not.”

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Over the past week, Reps. Paul Gosar (R-AZ), Matt Gaetz (R-Pub Crawl), Doug Collins (R-GA), and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX By Way of Canada) have all been forced to put themselves into a self-quarantine state after it was confirmed that someone in attendance at CPAC this year exposed all of them to the coronavirus. Louie Gohmert (R-The Confederacy) was also exposed to the coronavirus, but chose not quarantine himself, against the advice of doctors. CPAC organizer Matt Schlapp, one of Trump’s fiercest defenders on social media, also confirmed he was putting himself under self-quarantine.

Some have wondered why President Trump himself hasn’t been tested, given that so many in his orbit have been forced to quarantine themselves. However, this morning Trump batted those questions down. The president indicated that he “has nothing to worry about” because his body is “mostly made up of cheeseberders and Diet Coke.”

“The medical staff here, who all graduated top of their class from Trump University’s medical school,” Trump announced, “said that because chemically speaking I’m just a Big Mac extra value meal in a suit, that I have no risk of infection from the coronavirus. If that changes, and the virus mutates to where it can infect berders, they say they should have a vaccine for it developed by then.”

Trump assured his sycophants and lapdogs that just because they tested positive for the coronavirus, that “won’t necessarily mean” they still can’t come and kiss his ass.

“I need to say this again, because it’s important enough to repeat,” Trump yelled, “they can still come and kiss my ass, prolly, if they have coronavirus. Again, chemically speaking I’m a cheeseberder. Stephen Miller is immune to it as long as human beings are the only ones who are being infected, and Kellyanne Conway’s been keeping crypts so long, we’re pretty sure she’s already been exposed to every plague under the sun. So just, get yourselves tested, and then bring the results here to the White House.”

Trump paused for a long moment. Reporters started looking at each other, not sure what to do. Then, the president made a small grunting sound with his mouth, looked upward, and farted. He heaved a sigh of relief.

“My ass will be waiting. Don’t delay,” Trump admonished his defenders. “Get your tests done, and then come and kiss this ass. You took an oath to defend and kiss my ass, and it’s time for you to pay the piper. The piss-soaked, incestuous, doddering piper with tiny hands. Come and get some.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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