BOWLING GREEN, CUNTUCKY — This weekend, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kremlin) became the first sitting U.S. Senator to have a confirmed coronavirus infection. Senator Paul’s office announced via Twitter that he had tested positive and was undergoing a self-quarantine process under the advisement of medical professionals. The announcement came not much more than a day after Paul delayed a massive coronavirus aide package for the economy, singlehanded.
Today, Paul’s office confirmed that he was undergoing an “experimental new treatment process” that they say doctors “specifically engineered for people who believe in social Darwinism.”
“Just an hour ago, doctors started treating Senator Paul’s COVID-19 infection with a new, revolutionary system of bootstraps, thoughts, and prayers,” Paul’s spokesperson wrote in an email to various news outlets. “Good, clean, ammo hoarding, non-pigmented American Christian patriots know the fastest way to fix any problem you face is by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. They also understand how powerfully potent their thoughts and prayers have been, seeing how well they’ve stopped school shootings and abated the coronavirus thus far.”
While Senator Paul believes his treatment will “rapidly decrease the time needed to recover” from his COVID-19 infection, his staff is telling the media he’s still “very disappointed” he’ll likely miss the vote on the coronavirus stimulus and relief package currently being negotiated in the senate. Paul is one of the most fiscally conservative Republicans in congress. However, aides say he was particularly keen on voting for the Republicans’ version of the stimulus, given how much money it set aside for Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin to dole out to Corporate America.
“Anyone who has followed the senator for any amount of time understands how against government spending he is,” Sen. Paul’s office said in a statement. “With the exception, of course, of his Senate paychecks, which he’s been collecting since 2011, of course. Because of these deeply held political beliefs, Sen. Paul agreed to this revolutionary new treatment plan. Bootstraps are all any American needs to overcome any adversity, but the idea of combining bootstraps with thoughts and prayers is truly a genius-level idea, and we cannot wait to share the positive results with the entire world.”
Should the thoughts, prayers, and bootstraps treatments not work to ward off Paul’s coronavirus infection, doctors do have a few backup plans already in the works.
“The senator has also agreed to undergo covfefe injections, and will also be prescribed anti-empathetics, to ensure his body maintains its natural levels of apathy and disdain for common people,” Sen. Paul’s staff announced. “The hope is that between all of these treatment options, Sen. Paul is back to work sooner, rather than later.”
Whether or not Sen. Paul’s treatment is effective will guide White House doctors in deciding how to treat the president. Last weekend, under pressure from various media outlets, President Trump submitted to a coronavirus screening, which he says came back negative. However, as we reported exclusively, those same tests showed he was definitely infected with the dumbfuck flu.
“It is our honor and duty to announce that President Donald J. Trump tested negative for a coronavirus infection this weekend,” Dr. Skip Malloy told reporters in the White House briefing room today. “However, it is also our duty to inform you that the rumors are sadly true, he has tested conclusively positive for dumbfuck flu.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Reportedly, the White House is watching Paul’s recovery quite closely, and should he bounce back from the coronavirus thanks to thoughts, prayers, and bootstraps, the president’s medical team will set to work on treating him in the same way. The novel coronavirus outbreak started late last year, though the White House has not been very clear as to when Trump was advised of an impending pandemic, nor what his planned response to it has been.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.