WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Devin Nunes stepped out from underneath the testicular region of President Donald Trump’s taint to accuse former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton of unleashing the novel coronavirus on the world, using her now infamous personal email server. Rep. Nunes made the new accusation while giving an interview on a conservative talk radio show. Speaking to W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly, Nunes said it’s “completely possible, no matter what the odds say” that Clinton used her email server to send the virus to unsuspecting firms in China.
“How do we know what I’m saying isn’t true, other than the facts saying so,” Nunes asked Chatterly rhetorically. “Look, if the Chinese companies in question weren’t up on their Windows Defender virus definitions, or worse if they were a Norton or McAfee customer and they forgot to pay their subscription fees, I think we all know what I’m trying to say here. Hang on, I need to fluff the president’s nads real quick.”
Congressman Nunes has faced some intense scrutiny and backlash after telling people last week to ignore CDC recommendations and leave their homes, go to their “local pubs,” and in general behave as if the coronavirus outbreak wasn’t anything to be all that concerned about. Some wondered if, after Nunes’ employer changed his tune and started taking it seriously, if the California Republican would shift his tone. Apparently, Trump deciding to take the virus seriously did have an impact on Nunes’ thinking, but he still wanted to ensure the American public knew who was “probably most likely maybe at fault” for the outbreak in the first place.
“Chip, a lot of people are giving our dear president grief for calling this the Chinese virus, and I’m sorry to say I do agree with them that the president is incorrectly assigning blame,” Nunes said. “He should be blaming Crooked Hillary who all know to be probably most likely maybe at fault. So just remember that — maybe what I said was stupid. Maybe what I said was flagrantly dumb. Perhaps what I said was the pluperfect example of cock-sured, misplaced egomaniacal moronic blustering that has become the hallmark of Trumpist Republicans. But, and I cannot state this loudly or clearly enough — BENGHAZI. I rest my case.”
Congressman Nunes explained that the reason no one can find the incriminating email is that it’s been deleted and “bleached.”
“The FBI prolly would have found it, if Hillary hadn’t personally taken the hard drives out smashed them with hammers, and then bleached them,” Nunes said, not offering any proof.
Nunes appeared later in the day on disgraced Secret Serviceman Dan “Salad Bowl Head” Bongino’s podcast and discussed his allegations further. Bongino’s racist moron sociopath of a fact checker could be heard in the background rubbing his dick while he read old accounts from Pinochet’s tyrannical rule. Congressman Nunes doubled-down and expanded on his theory while Bongino counted his brain cell over and over.
“Dan, I gotta say, I think this goes all the way to the top,” Nunes posited. “I feel like this is true, so that’s as good as it being true, that this goes all the way up to the big guy. No, not Barack Obama. He, as we all know, was just a patsy for this guy, and you know who I’m talking about. That’s right, King George of England. I’ve had this theory for a long time, that he’s been working with the commie cuck socialist Democrats and their media mongrels for a long time, but everyone kept telling me how stupid I was because he’s been dead for literally centuries. Well, I ask you, why does being dead mean he couldn’t be orchestrating a coup from beyond the grave?”
Ms. Clinton simply laughed and hung up the phone when asked for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.