CDC Suggests ‘Electoral Distancing’ From Trump Administration

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Over the past week and a half, Americans were introduced to new, but extremely vital phrase for their lexicons — “social distancing.” It’s the practice of keeping a good, healthy distance from others. Medical experts have recommended engaging in social distancing in order help flatten the curve of infection during the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. Today, the CDC expanded its guidance on social distancing to include a new kind of distancing.

Electoral Distancing.

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“The president’s administration hid their knowledge of COVID-19 from the American people for weeks,” CDC spokesperson Gil Gamesh told reporters today at a press conference. “That’s time that could have been spent self-quarantining and practicing social distancing to get even further ahead of the outbreak that they robbed everyone of. The president’s complete lack of desire to take any kind of accountability or responsibility ultimately puts millions of peoples’ lives at risk, and therefore we urge the American people to practice electoral distancing this fall.”

Gamesh said that in the CDC’s view there are “literally millions of far more qualified and effective” choices for president. He indicated the CDC isn’t willing to endorse anyone, or wade much into the political arena at all. However, strictly from a health and safety standpoint, Americans continuing to follow the leadership of Trump poses a “swift and dangerous risk to everyone.”

“We are a non-partisan entity, so we’re not telling you to vote for party over another. We’re just saying that it’s very apparent to us that the president is not someone who should be leading this country’s fight against a wet sock, let alone a virus,” Gamesh said. “So we just ask that you all think about practicing some electoral distancing in November.”

Mr. Gamesh gave the reporters and idea of what electoral distancing consists of.

“It means staying at least six terms away from someone. In other words, you don’t elect them,” Gamesh said, “and you don’t elect any of their dumbfuck, entitled, white collar criminal family members for a full six terms. Maybe in twenty-four years the family will have produced someone not so shitty, but we make no promises, obviously. So it’s best to keep practicing electoral distancing from that particular family until such time as the CDC says it’s safe not to.”

While, the Trump administration has been trying to manage the COVID-19 outbreak with authority, this outlet reported earlier in the week that polls are showing the president would lose to the coronavirus if the election were held today.

…seven out of ten Americans believe that President Donald Trump should self-quarantine during the coronavirus outbreak, and that he should consider doing it from within a hole, six feet underground. Mr. Trump attended this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, known as CPAC, and as a result was exposed to someone who later tested positive for coronavirus infection. The same person, who has not been named publicly, met and interacted with several prominent Republicans. As a result, Senator Ted Cruz, and Reps. Paul Gosar and Matt Gaetz all heeded the advice of medical professionals and put themselves into a self-quarantined status. (PGC)

COVID-19 has also forced President Trump to make some logistics changes to how his administration operates. After a slew of Republicans were forced to self-quarantine when they were exposed to the virus at this year’s CPAC, Trump issued a new edict. Anyone seeking to kiss his presidential ass needs to have a coronavirus test done beforehand.

“I love having my ass kissed, don’t get me wrong,” President Trump shouted at reporters on the White House lawn today. “We’re in no way canceling ass kissing. If anything, as this is an election year, the ass kissing should increase, not decrease. But you can never be too cautious in times of an outbreak, and frankly I don’t want them kissing my ass until I know for certain whether they have coronavirus or not.” (PGC)

Several states have issued emergency declarations, and throughout the country bars and restaurants are being shuttered and large events are being canceled. Current plans are for Americans to avoid contact with each other for the next two weeks, however many experts say the social distancing may need to continue for much longer than that.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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