CDC Testing Effectiveness of Racial Slurs on COVID-19

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control, at the request of the White House, has begun an emergency study on whether or not using racial slurs is an effective treatment for COVID-19.

“This morning, the president reached out to the CDC and asked us to immediately begin testing to see if him calling COVID-19 ‘Kung Flu’ has any impact on curing it,” CDC Deputy Jr. Assistant Director of Research Dr. Michelle de Michelin told reporters today. “Just in case it COVID-19 is not responsive to being called Kung Flu, the president wants us to expand our research into all racial slurs. Apparently, he knows quite a few of them, and feels like he might want to start using them more as the election approaches.”

MORE: Antifa Millennials Topple Mrs. Butterworth Statue

President Trump has been referring to COVID-19 as “Kung Flu” more often in recent days. At a Trump Youth Rally in Arizona this week, chants of “Kung Flu” could be heard bellowing from the young proto fascists in the audience. Trump encouraged the changes, and used the term himself, resulting in enormous cheers from his young audience.

On Tuesday, in a re-election campaign rally in a church, the Dream City Church, U.S. President Donald Trump once again used the phrase “Kung Flu” when referring to the Covid-19 coronavirus. Yes, in a church. And listen to the cheers that erupted when the 74-year-old President used the term in his speech at, once again, a church, based in Phoenix, Arizona. (Forbes)

You can watch Trump’s interaction with his Nazi youth and hear him use the term “Kung Flu” in the tweet, below:

This is not the only Trump-related news item out of the CDC in recent weeks. As the novel coronavirus spread throughout the south, the CDC urged Trump supporters not to share hoods. As we reported, however, it wasn’t just hoods that the CDC wants Trump supporters to stop sharing.

“In the same vein, the CDC strongly urges Trump supporters to use their own white robes and perhaps even consider only lighting a cross with less than ten other klansmen,” DeGrille said. “At least util this whole coronavirus thing blows over. In general, I’d say that things that are used like community property should be go to solo-use for a little while. For instance, if you and your friend Doug are eskimo brothers because you both regularly have sexual intercourse with your cousin, sister, or cousin-sister, we cannot suggest strongly enough that you consider at least a brief period of monogamy. Either you get your cousin, or Doug does, for the next couple weeks at least.” (PGC)

The CDC has also conducted studies that seem to show COVID-19 feeds directly off Trump’s ego.

“The data suggests that every effort undertaken by the Trump administration to shield the president and his ego from criticism helps COVID-19 spread,” Hornaydieux divulged. “More advanced warning, for instance, would have let states order quarantines and shutdowns weeks earlier, which could have rapidly decreased the amount of time the nation was seriously threatened by COVID-19. Choosing to hide the virus, and its potential political price, from the American people, only ensured that doctors and nurses and caretakers would have less time to prepare and respond.” (PGC)

The CDC expects they’ll have the results of their tests of the efficacy of treating COVID-19 with racial slurs by the end of the week.

“It will probably not take us very long to conduct this trial,” Dr. de Michelin announced. “Like, we’ll probably be done with our research by the time I get back from lunch, is what I’m saying.”

MORE: Ivanka: “Daddy Has No Problem Drinking Water With One Hand When The Other’s On My Ass”

Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This