Ivanka: “Daddy Has No Problem Drinking Water With One Hand When The Other’s On My Ass”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Can the President of the United States drink water with one hand? This is a question that has apparently been plaguing the most powerful man in the free world for at least a couple of weeks, and during his alternatively-well attended Tulsa rally over the weekend, President Trump attempted to squash rumors that he does not have the strength to heft a glass or bottle of water up to his feline anus-shaped mouth and drink from it with just one hand.

Why did Trump spend over two minutes on this topic when there are so many other issues to discuss such as the ongoing Covid-19 coronavirus pandemic, his plans on how to respond to this pandemic as it continues, the protests, and race relations in the U.S.? Well, Trump’s drinking exhibition, just like the Super Bowl, had a lead-in, a pre-game analysis. Trump indicated that he was responding to what some people have pointed out: Trump used two hands to drink from a glass at the West Point Commencement a week prior. (Forbes)

But Trump’s attempts to make himself look like a confident water drinker didn’t stop people from mocking him. Even beloved television actor Henry Winkler got in on the fun. In a short clip posted to his social media accounts, Winkler confidently and quietly took a big sip from a glass of water, using just one hand. By the time of reporting, Winkler’s 13 second clip had already attracted over 3 million views.

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Undoubtedly as an attempt to once and for all end discussions of his water drinking prowess, the president’s First Lady strode out onto the White House lawn in her nightgown this morning, telling reporters she wanted to address the issue and give the press some “much needed perspective.”

“From my point of view, this whole thing about whether the president has the strength to lift a single vessel of water to his mouth is absurd,” First Lady Ivanka began, “because in my experience, the president can drink water one-handed with no issues whatsoever. I’m here to tell you that these stories are slanderous, rude, mean, nasty, and probably constitute an illegal coup, if we’re being honest here.”

After several minutes pontificating on just what kinds of punishments should await Americans who accuse her father of not being strong enough to drink water with one hand, the First LadyDaughterLover put the situation into stark relief.

“All I’m saying, and you can believe me or not if you want to,” Ivanka pressed on, “is that Daddy has no problem drinking water with one hand when the other’s on my ass, okay?”

A stunned press pool just kept taking notes as Ivanka spoke.

“I’ve actually lost count of all the times he’s grabbed onto one of my precious, entitled butt cheeks with one hand,” Ivanka explained, “while the other was tweeting, or drinking water, or jerking off an autocratic dictator. He’s a very capable man, and can do all kinds of things at one time. So lay off him, you big mean jerks!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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