LENIN, MISSISSIPPI — A local AntiFa franchise, working under the direction of its millennial Chief General Master Lieutenant of Socialistic Terrorism Attacks, has issued the following statement. It is brief, but direct, and takes responsibility for an incident that took place in Soros Square, late last night. Near the section of downtown Lenin now known as the Non-Officered-or-Policed-Enforcement (NOPE) Zone, a decades’ old statue of the racially stereotypical corporate character has been found knocked over, its sweet, buttery contents oozing all over the place.
“It was just…just absolutely fucking horrifying, and so terribly sad,” Chad McClendon, the city resident whose statue was found knocked over early this morning, told reporters in front of his rent-free co-op building. “I really wanted syrup on my waffles this morning. When I came out to the kitchen, and found that someone had obviously gotten there before me, and they had toppled it, I literally cried.”
Once Chad, 42, stopped crying actual tears because of his statue falling over, he decided he had to call the local authorities, and let them know his “property had been vandalized.” McClendon says, however, that the response he got from LPD was “utterly worthless.”
“I told them that some Antifa Officially Licensed Hooligan™ had obviously broken into my apartment, brought down my Buttersworth statue,” Chad told the press, “and left it to be drained of all its sticky goodness, they laughed. Right in my face. They laughed. I felt so violated, and all they told me was that technically someone just spilled my synthetic maple syrup at breakfast, and that there weren’t any laws broken unless someone broke in.”
Chad was unable to find any evidence of forced entry in his apartment. So he said, the officers left business cards and said to call if he found any. By the time of publication, Mr. McClendon was still unable to find any evidence that he was burglarized or vandalized.
The local AntiFa franchise’s statement, reprinted, below:
|To Whom It May Concern,
Regarding the Incident at 5623 Valley Vista View Avenue, Apartment 4 reported in the local press and blogosphere, this franchise of Antifa, Inc. hereby takes full, official responsibility. One of our Officially Licensed Antifa Hooligans™ happens to be Mr. McClendon’s roommate. This morning, at our direction, we authorized this Hooligan™ to initiate Operation Syrup Slop, and he or she executed their mission flawlessly, and with no casualties.
As is our custom, this agent’s identity will remain hidden, however internally they will be awarded an Employee of the Week benefit package at some time in the future, and will be upgraded in rank accordingly.
Emperors Soros and Obama, and Empress Clinton all agree this was the most important Antifa Official Licensed Terror Attack™ carried out since the Bowling Green Massacre, or maybe even Benghazi.
All Hail Satan,
P.S. Boo America! Boo Freedom!
Chad says he’s replaced the Butterworth statue, and has begun going to counseling four times a week. This story will be updated with any relevant new details as they develop.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.