ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control have announced what they think could be a breakthrough in the medical community’s understanding of COVID-19, also known as the novel coronavirus. The CDC said that this new breakthrough still needs to be put through the rigors of double-blind testing and peer review, but that from all the available data, it would appear that scientists may be close to truly understanding a key factor in how the virus sustains itself and spreads.
“We are cautiously pleased to announce that we believe we’ve taken a major step in learning about COVID-19,” CDC’s Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters this morining. “It would appear, at least from what we can tell so far, that the virus feeds on the ego of President Donald Trump. And in fact, it would appear that COVID-19 and the president’s ego have a direct, symbiotic relationship. The more that’s done to protect the president’s ego, the stronger COVID-19 grows.”
Hornaydieux explained that CDC and World Health Organization researchers began to communicate with one another as the virus started to spread in the U.S about whether or not the president’s ego was playing a role, and what exactly that role was. The fact that Trump was warned about the pandemic months before it made its entry into the country but the public was kept in the dark for politically expedient reasons, Hornaydieux said, was their first clue that COVID-19 might like to feed on Trump’s ego.
“The data suggests that every effort undertaken by the Trump administration to shield the president and his ego from criticism helps COVID-19 spread,” Hornaydieux divulged. “More advanced warning, for instance, would have let states order quarantines and shutdowns weeks earlier, which could have rapidly decreased the amount of time the nation was seriously threatened by COVID-19. Choosing to hide the virus, and its potential political price, from the American people, only ensured that doctors and nurses and caretakers would have less time to prepare and respond.”
Some at the CDC have expressed their concerns about Trump’s now daily coronavirus task force press briefings, Hornaydieux said. They worry about the amount of “lies, exaggerations, half-truths and completely false hope” that President Trump and his team broadcast to the American public during those briefings. While the doctors on his team are calm, reassuring voices of sobering information, their message is often “drowned out by Trump’s craziness and bullshit,” which the CDC believes is more therapy for the president’s ego, which could have disastrous effects on the strength of COVID-19.
“What concerns us most is that the White House does the most ego-related damage control during those briefings. The more airtime they get, the more his ego is fed and protected, which means bad information leading to more people doing risky things and exposing themselves,” Hornaydieux pleaded, “so we are joining the many people and organizations begging news networks not to carry the briefings live.”
The White House was briefed on the CDC’s initial findings and President Trump addressed them at the next coronavirus briefing.
“Folks, I just want to say something, if I might, about the CDC discovering that this invisible enemy, the GIGH-NA VIRUS, perhaps feeding off my Eggo,” Trump said. “First off off, I don’t frozen waffles. I have my waffles handmade for me every morning, afternoon, and late evening. Okay? If I eat a damn waffle, it’s not frozen, so whatever the fuck you think about me, or the virus, the CDC has very rudely implied I eat frozen waffles. Secondly, and more to the point — the CDC is hereby on my shit list. This means the next time they provoke me, I might have to nuke them. I’m sorry, but they’ve been warned. Insult me, your dear president, and you all pay a price.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.