It could be one of the most important scientific studies since it was proven that Senator Ted Cruz thinks about butt sex more than people actually having butt sex. In a perhaps shocking but ultimately unsurprising development, the American National Institute of Stuff has just published the results of an exhaustive analysis that conclusively prove anyone responding to a plea for attention to extrajudicial homicide with the phrase, “All Lives Matter,” is in the words of the institute’s chief research lead, a “total, rotten, shitface asshole cunt.”
Courtney Gladfilter of the ANIS held a press conference via Zoom today and explained that after careful and thorough research, if someone uses the phrase “All Lives Matter” in response to another person using the phrase “Black Lives Matter,” they are a total cunt. According to Gladfilter, the results of the tests show that because saying that black lives matter is in fact just like saying all lives matter, except while also drawing attention to the issue of the egregiously disproportionate number of times a black suspect is killed by a white police officer. She said it “seemed like a good hypothesis to test,” and that everyone on her team was dedicated to “confirming or denying cunt status” for people who use the phrase “All Lives Matter.”
“I mean, really, from a layperson’s perspective, I can see where this might seem like us trying to prove that two plus two equals four,” Gladfilter conceded. “Of course to the untrained and naked eye it would appear to be an extremely cunty thing to say to someone who is simply begging for you to not callously disregard multiple murders. But we’re scientists, G-D it! And if we’re going to call somene a cunt, we all feel it’s our duty to make sure that cuntardly label is applied according to data and solid, rigorous, peer-reviewed analysis.”
This is the second newsworthy study released this week from ANIS. Just days ago, Gladfilter announced the results of a stunning piece of work put in by ANIS researchers. They found after an intense survey of Americans in all fifty states that 80% of the nation’s morons believe Donald Trump has been a “good” president. Though Gladfilter noted at the time that “they still would not call it great, however.”
According to data released from the American National Institute of Stuff, 4 out of 5 morons that were surveyed in a poll that was conducted in all fifty states, believe that Trump has done a good job as president. These opinions were formed despite Trump overseeing a historic cratering of the U.S. economy after an extremely sluggish and inconsistent response to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. Trump has stoked racial tensions, and has engaged in a pattern of behavior that repeatedly places himself above the law and outside of accountability. Despite those facts, 80% of the nation’s morons appear to believe he’s a good president. (Political Garbage Chute)
The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.