WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Donald Trump was taken into an underground bunker to wait out loud, even at times violent protesters just outside the White House, one source close to the situation says he was “very anxious, and pretty hangry.” In order to calm the most powerful terrified keyboard warrior in the free world down, presidential staffers ordered a massive delivery of McDonald’s from GrubHub.
“The final bill came out to about $42,000. That’s just a shade over one-third a Stormy Daniels,” our source told us, “so the president felt like he was getting quite a bargain for all those hamberders, cheeseberders, Chicky McNuggies, and Shamrock shakes. The president is a growing manbaby and needs to have his caloric needs met.”
The McDonald’s closest to the White House was not able to fulfill the large order for the White House, according to our source.
“They had to call in ten other McDonald’s locations and get a resupply of dipping sauces for his nuggies from their central McNugget warehouse,” we were told. “The president loves his sweet and sour sauces. He always makes Secret Service get him extra whenever they make a pitstop at a McDonald’s for him on the way back from a long trip overseas. He wasn’t sure how long he’d have be cowering in the bunker like a big ol’ bitch-baby, so he wanted to make sure he had thousands and thousands of extra dipping sauces.”
According to reports from our sister publication Alternative Facts, the president was also quite alarmed and outraged when he got to the underground White House bunker and realized he was not being taken for a round of golf as he had initially believed would be the case.
“The president has only ever heard the word ‘bunker’ used when he was golfing,” our source explained, “though he has ordered me to tell everyone whenever I talk about his golf game that he’s never actually been in a bunker. He’s never missed a fairway, or a green in regulation, and usually only needs one putt. But, the point is that when he heard talk of taking him to a bunker, President Trump got quite excited and pushed for it, based solely on that misunderstanding of what was meant by taking him to a bunker.” (AltFacts)
Fortunately for all involved, after a short time a means to mollify, pacify, and ultimately tranquilize the enraged president were found.
“He started shouting about where the driving range was, and how he was supposed to work on his short game from inside the bunker,” our source said. “Luckily, we were able to bring down his practice putting machine and we ordered about forty grand in McDonald’s for GrubHub to deliver to the bunker. That kept him pretty docile for a good six or seven hours, and the food coma put him to sleep for another five.” (AltFacts)
Many in the media have begun to question when, or if, President Trump will address the nation directly as a result of the widespread civil unrest that has been unfolding in hundreds of cities. Protests over the murder of Floyd George, an unarmed black suspect who was seen being knelt on until he died by a Minneapolis police officer now under indictment for third-degree murder among other charges, began turning violent, with some wondering if outside agitators are taking advantage of the situation to sew more violence and chaos. In previous times as these, the American president has at least attempted to stand before the nation and calm the fears of a frazzled citizenry.
“Why are you even asking me that question? Don’t be silly,” our source told us when we asked about the chances of a presidential Oval Office address. “We’re lucky when he strings three words together and one of them isn’t the N-word! He will not be addressing this situation, no.”
Several cheeseburgers died to bring us this information.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.