While the president and his administration have deemed AntiFa — a political ideology that declares itself against fascism — a terrorist organization, actual Americans have held a meeting and determined that MAGA is a terror group as well.
Speaking on a conference call with various media agencies, Sally Susaphonium, Director of the National Institute of American Opinions and Classifications, told reporters that last night, an emergency meeting was held on the teleconferencing app Zoom wherein hundreds of millions of Americans participated in a discussion, and ultimately a vote, on whether to deem MAGA as domestic terrorists. The call was set up by the NIAOC and attempted to reach every American who did not vote for Trump, and would not vote for him again.
“When this administration decided to label people dedicated to fighting fascism as terrorists,” Susaphonium announced, “they slapped a label on folks, designating them as enemies of American freedom even though members of the U.S. Armed Forces handed fascism one of its most important defeats ever during World War II. Obviously this made us wonder if, perhaps, the forest was being missed for the trees. So we convened this emergency Zoom call, and wanted to see if we could get a consensus from actual Americans about MAGA.”
According to Ms. Susaphonium, the overwhelming consensus from Americans is that MAGA contains all the “easily identified hallmarks of terrorist groups.”
“What else do you call a bunch of hardcore religious fanatics who are also violent thugs that are armed to the teeth,” Susaphonium argued, ” and storm government buildings to scare elected officials into doing what they want? What’s the difference between Al Qaeda murdering Americans, and MAGA being willing to murder Americans who don’t vote the way they do?”
Susaphonium specifically cited two very famous cases of Trump supporters becoming violent and resorting to what she called “clearly terrorist tactics.” First, she mentioned the protests of Michigan coronavirus quarantine orders that brought out hundreds of heavily armed Americans to the state capital building. Shocking images of angry white people brandishing semi automatic firearms, demanding they be allowed to get haircuts and dine out at Golden Corral again, dominated the news cycle. Secondly, she pointed out some “striking similarities” between MAGA and other cults.
“They even have their dopey asshole cult leader who spews nonsense on videos only he and his dumb shit followers believe are real,” Susaphonium explained. “What’s the difference, really, between some ISIS dipshit ranting about the west on a grainy home video, and the president ranting about AntiFa on the news?”
According to Susaphonium, the similarities between Trump and other terrorist leaders don’t end with the “creepy videos.” She pointed to the fact that the president was taken to an underground bunker as the protests outside the White House grew larger. Spending long periods of time in bunkers, away from criticism and accountability, Susaphonium argued, is “perhaps the biggest indicator of Trump’s terrorist tendencies.”
“He comes out, says some outlandish and ghoulish shit on a video, and then goes back into his bunker. If that’s not the stuff of terrorist leaders, I don’t know what is,” Susaphonium said. “Apparently, I’m in the company of millions of other Americans, as well.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.