A new scientific study indicates that 80% of all morons agree that Donald J. Trump, the guy who was a D-List reality TV competition show host just five years ago, is a “good” president.
According to data released from the American National Institute of Stuff, 4 out of 5 morons that were surveyed in a poll that was conducted in all fifty states, believe that Trump has done a good job as president. These opinions were formed despite Trump overseeing a historic cratering of the U.S. economy after an extremely sluggish and inconsistent response to the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. Trump has stoked racial tensions, and has engaged in a pattern of behavior that repeatedly places himself above the law and outside of accountability. Despite those facts, 80% of the nation’s morons appear to believe he’s a good president.
Courtney Gladfilter, the head of research at the ANIS explained to reporters some of the details of the survey at a press conference this morning.
“What this study shows pretty conclusively isn’t that every Trump supporter is a moron, though we’re conducting that study now and will let everyone know what we find,” Gladfilter said, “but it does show that if you are a moron, you’re pretty likely to support Donald Trump’s presidency.”
ANIS published some of the answers they were given in their survey.
“Look, I know he ain’t that smart. I know he ain’t gonna say stuff that’s technically correct,” Jethro Bohiggins of Cold Cave Hills, Tennessee told ANIS, “but even if he says shit that’s unconstitutional, he’s ownin’ the libs while he does it! Why the hell would I care about a truthful president who actually does his job when I got a big ol’ bitch baby bully out there ownin’ the libs?!”
Gladfilter indicated that the data she and her fellow ANIS researchers compiled seems to “perfectly fit” with data published in a 2017 study out of Maryland State University. In that stud, as reported by our sister publication Alternative Facts, researchers found that more than 9 of every 10 Trump supporter had a shoe size that was larger than their IQ.
“No matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, state of residence, or any other external factor we controlled for,” Dr. Abrams told reporters at the press conference announcing the study results, “if they voted for Trump and we measured their shoe size, it always came back higher than their IQ test score did.” (Alternative Facts)
Ms. Gladfilter also announced that ANIS will be undertaking a new, somewhat related study to further determine what the coalition of Trump voters really looks like.
“Now that we’ve determined that morons are pretty likely to vote for Trump again,” Gladfilter said, “it’s time for us to see what racists, assholes, neo-confederates, and people who fuck their cousins think about the Trump presidency. Our initial data does seem to indicate that those groups will have similar results as the morons.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.