WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute For Reporting Stuff and Things has issued a new report that estimates Ambassador Marie Yovanovich has “way, way, way, way bigger ones” than President Donald Trump.
“Given that Ambassador Yovanovich has literally dodged bullets in service to this country and all Trump’s dodged is the draft and all he’s served is himself at the buffet,” Dr. Denise Dennis of the NIFRST told reporters at a press conference this morning, “this was almost one of those reports we didn’t even do. It just seemed so obvious after about four minutes of her testimony that the ambassador has a pair the size of Montana, and that Trump can’t even spell Montana.”
Dr. Dennis said, however, that her institution has a “duty to study and report” and so, despite what she said was a “pretty obvious conclusion from the start,” she and her team did a quick bit of research.
“Literally in the middle of her testimony, the most powerful so-called man in the free world — a man who commands an actual nuclear arsenal — tried to intimidate her,” Dr. Dennis explained further, “and not just to his 68 million Twitter followers, to the entire world. It had no impact on Ms. Yovanovitch. In fact, the tweet itself was more proof of how scared shitless that man is, and it’s a byproduct of his having smaller ones.”
Often times, Dennis and her staff have to use complex algorithms and advanced measuring tools to conduct their studies and issue their reports. In this case, however, Dr. Dennis says none of that was necessary. Instead, she said “all anyone has to do to figure whose are bigger” is watch the testimony Ambassador Yovanovitch gave.
“Every step of the way, Republicans and their counsel tried to trip her up, or even victim shame her, or downplay what the president put her through,” Dennis said. “Throughout the day, the ambassador calmly answered questions, and even found polite ways to shut down their attempts to make right-wing fever dream conspiracy theories turn into facts. Even though she knew that a posse of malcontent, gun toting, red meat eating MAGA-heads would be forever pissed off at her, she pushed on.”
The contrasting career choices of Yovanovitch and Trump also helped inform the report performed by Dennis and her staff, she told reporters.
“You have one woman who, time after time, has shown a willingness to confront corruption dead-on and shine a light on it on one hand,” Dennis said, “and on the other hand you have a totally and obviously corrupt old man who has spent the majority of his presidency kissing the ass of every corrupt authoritarian dictator he can, so that he can keep doing business in their countries when he leaves office. Again, we didn’t really think we needed to do the study, but we did for the sake of our reputations.
In the end, Dr. Dennis says one very striking moment helped her team “put a bow” on their report — the gallery audience in the hearing room erupting in applause and cheers as the ambassador got up from her seat to leave.
“That applause and the cheering was what finalized our report, and really helped us put a bow on the whole thing,” Dennis confirmed. “People really admire someone with guts, courage, and huge ones. They usually honor such massive you-know-whats when they see it. That’s what Yovanovitch’s ovation was for us — the audience recognizing just how much bigger hers are than Trump’s.”
Ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes and star Republican attack dog Gym Jordan released a statement about the findings of the report.
“We find it highly suspicious that anyone could study the president’s ones very well, considering we never leave that area, and continue to fluff and gargle them publicly,” the statement reads. “We’re going to be asking Adam Schiff to let us depose Dr. Dennis immediately, and we will not rest until we figure out who has besmirched our dear president so viciously. They’re not that small, really. We barely need a magnifying glass to find them.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.