Did Epstein Run Black Market Pizza Joints Using a Pedophile Ring as Cover to Sell Uranium to Russians to Cover Up Benghazi?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Undoubtedly, the arrest of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein on multiple charges of sex trafficking minors stands to be the biggest story of the year. Perhaps, because of Mr. Epstein’s numerous ties to the wealthy and powerful — both sides of the aisle have a president who can claim a personal connection to him, for instance — his case had all the potential to end up being like that of former NFL superstar and luckiest man alive OJ Simpson and be dubbed “the trial of the century.”

Epstein’s trial, of course, won’t happen after all though, because he’s now the opposite of alive. Over the past several days, memes with the caption, “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” have been making the rounds and going viral, after a pathologist said he signs consistent with homicide on Epstein’s body. But there are starting to be whispers on the Hill, whispers that started in conservative circles online, that there is a much larger web of conspiracies that Epstein’s case was caught up in, and that web happens to be related to two more web-like conspiracies — Uranium One and Benghazi.

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According to several unnamed sources, conspiracy theorist(s) QAnon posted on 8chan’s message boards that Epstein’s crimes not only involved trafficking minors for sex, but that the pedophile ring was actually a cover operation for an even bigger criminal enterprise that was set up specifically to help Hillary Clinton sell uranium to the Russian government so they would help her cover up the true events of the deadly terror attack on a consular building in Benghazi, Libya.

“The truth is that the pedophile ring was just used to finance pizza restaurants where Hillary meet with Russian oligarchs and sell them America’s uranium stockpiles,” Q posted, “and then they’d use THAT money to bribe other Russians to cover up Benghazi. It’s so simple once you work it all out in your head, huh?”

There are already prominent Republicans talking about the new rumors.

“I’m not sure if what Q is saying is true or not, but if it is, I think we have a duty to put Hillary Clinton on trial,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) told Fox News this morning about the explosive new allegations. “We Republicans of course always knew that given enough time this heinous cabal of gangsters would be exposed and the truth we all felt deep down but could never prove with evidence would come out. And now, here we are, face to face with some pretty damning charges, if they’re true, which they might not be, but we should certainly treat them like they are.”

Former Congressman and current Krispy Kreme donut glazer Trey Gowdy told a conservative AM talk radio host this week that if the rumors about Epstein, Benghazi, Uranium One, and Hillary are true had circulated when he was in charge of oversight investigations, he’d have had “the biggest partisan boner of [his] ultimately worthless congressional career.”

“It all makes total sense to me now,” Gowdy told W-KKK’s Wyatt Whitely. “Of course Hillary was involved in the whole thing. She’s been involved in literally every crime committed since she was born!”

Jethro Bohiggins, a right-wing podcaster and country music singer/songwriter, told his audience today that he believes the 8chan rumors more than he “can believe anything that comes out of any Democrat’s mouth.”

“Think about it fam! When have you ever known KILLARY CLIT-STONED to not be a hardcore, demon worshiping, baby aborting she beast assassin,” Bohiggins asked rhetorically.

Followers of Mike Thernovich’s Twitter feed saw him tweet out his belief in the rumors as well.

“Totally credible, given everything we’ve ever prethumed we knew about Hillary,” Thernovich tweeted. “We thould definitely keep our eyeth open on thith one, guyth.”

For his part, President Trump told reporters today he is “absolutely convinced” the rumors are true.

“My son, the dumb one, well, the brunette dumb one, the one I gave my name, which was a huge mistake by the way,” Trump rambled, “told me that he personally checked with the Russian troll who started the rumor, and he told him it was totally true. Which is weird of course because I just told you it was a rumor, but hey, no one ever reads these articles anyway, so you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’ve gotten to the point where the lazy author is willing to break the fourth wall just to have something interesting to end his story with. The story, you understand, that you’re probably not reading.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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