NEW YORK, NEW YORK — This week, several outlets reported that former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is planning to file paperwork necessary for him to enter the 2020 presidential race.
Bloomberg would be vying for the Democratic nomination in a field that’s large and has already seen several high-profile candidates drop out. Mr. Bloomberg, a billionaire progressive who has become one of the loudest and most active voices in the push for gun reform, heard his name bandied about before the primary season got fully underway, but never polled above single digits. It’s unclear why Bloomberg waited this long, or why he believes now is the right time to enter the race, but a snap poll conducted overnight shows that he may want to reconsider this decision.
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We Poll You So Hard, one of the nation’s most trusted public polling companies, ran a survey of 1500 Americans last night. They called landlines and cell lines, and according to WPYSH, they made sure they got a wide range of ages in their respondents by saying “Okay, Boomer,” to whoever answered and marking down their response. The angrier the response, the older they knew the person taking the survey would be.
According to the survey, “literally fucking nobody” wanted to vote for Michael Bloomberg for president. We Poll You So Hard’s chief resident pollster told reporters the results were “fascinating” and unlike a lot of opinion polls didn’t leave much room for debate on what it means.
“Nobody, literally fucking nobody, wants Michael Bloomberg to be president,” Cheryl Terwilliger Jones told reporters this morning. “Fewer people want Bloomberg to run for president than want to have a light case of diarrhea every day for the rest of their lives. More people would in fact choose to have an unwashed dildo shoved up their butt holes than to see Bloomberg run.”
Ms. Terwilliger Jones also said the responses to other questions were “quite telling.”
“A ton of people said they’d rather see Bloomberg spend some of his fifty billion dollars putting it behind a candidate they do actually like and that polls way, way higher than he ever will,” Terwilliger Jones said. “And even more people said he should stay out of politics and just pay off people’s medical or student loan debt if he’s really hell bent on doing something good for people and also stroking his ego. A lot of people pointed out he’d be a much bigger to hero to a lot more people that way.”
In an unforeseen twist, apparently Bloomberg himself doesn’t want Bloomberg to run.
“This almost never happens,” Terwillinger Jones said, “but somehow Bloomberg himself got called to do the survey, and even he thought Michael Bloomberg shouldn’t run.”
Mr. Bloomberg shouldn’t feel too badly though, Terwilliger Jones said. He’s “certainly not the only billionaire douchebag” that Americans generally don’t want going anywhere near the Oval Office. According to Ms. Terwilliger Jones, a “substantial majority of rich, entitled, old white guys” don’t do too well in polling either.
“It’s probably not much consolation to him,” Terwilliger Jones explained, “but people are just as sketchy about Charles Koch running things. And he doesn’t fair any worse than Sheldon Adelson or Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons. So he’s in okay-ish company, if you ask me.”
Though not a billionaire, Terwilliger Jones says that a close analog to Bloomberg’s potential presidential bid is that of former Republican nominee and current Senator Mitt Romney of Utah.
“Bloomberg might not have binders of women, but he clearly has a head full of ego,” Terwilliger Jones said, “and most people find him just as genuine and connected to the common citizenry as Romney was. Not that it brings Mr. Bloomberg much comfort knowing this.”
In case one might wonder, the loathing of Bloomberg’s candidacy is bipartisan.
“Democrats don’t want him to run. Republicans don’t care if he does, but won’t vote for him anyway,” Terwilliger Jones reported. “It’s universal. He’s 100% not the guy people want. And in this country, getting everyone to agree that they should brush their teeth after every meal is a chore. So you can imagine how rare a politically charged issue gets this kind of unanimous sentiment associated with it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.