White House Unveils Cat Food Brands Trump’s Budget Proposal Lets SNAP Recipients Choose From

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Under President Donald Trump’s proposed budget, the federal government would drastically overhaul how the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, or SNAP, works. If the budget were to pass, families that receive at least $90 a month in nutrition assistance would receive at least half their benefits in pre-packaged boxes of food called “USDA food packages.” While the boxes would provide free food directly, critics are quick to point out that the boxes do not contain any fresh fruits or vegetables, vital for health and nutrition.

Currently, SNAP recipients have more control over what they spend their SNAP benefits on, but they do not have unlimited options. If passed, Trump’s budget would represent a marked change in the level of trust the federal government seems to put into those who need assistance to spend their benefit money wisely. Some who oppose the deal say this change not only takes a source of fresh produce away from SNAP recipients, it also serves to condescend to them.

This morning, the White House pushed back on some criticisms of the budget proposal, and also took the time to unveil some of the brands of cat food they say SNAP would allow recipients to purchase, which they say makes their cuts far less drastic.

“Everyone in the FAKE NEWS media is freaking out over robbing poor people of fruits and vegetables, but they’re not giving Dear President any credit for magnanimously keeping the program going at all,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said while eating a gravy smothered piece of beer battered chocolate cake. “We’re not starving them; we’re just making them weaker and increasing their risk for certain health problems. Besides, we’ve got some really wonderful brands of cat food — wet and dry — that we think The Poors will really take a shining to.”

On hand at the press conference were the CEOs for a handful of the cat food companies the Trump administration would insist Congress make contracts with for providing their cat food to SNAP recipients. Huckabee Sanders said that the contracts would be regional, so that it keeps the pipeline between the cat food production facility and the consumer as short as possible.

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“We’re really big on the idea of factory to table eating,” Huckabee said, washing down her food with a 200-ounce Big Gulp cup of Coke, which she added six tablespoons of sugar to. “And we want everyone to feel good about eating good, locally sourced cat food.”

The following list of cat food purveyors was supplied by the White House.

  • Pussy Grabbers’ Delight
  • Komrade Kitty-Kat’s
  • Trump Brand Cat Food
  • Grandma’s Choice
  • David Duke’s Old Family Recipe
  • Chef Ayn Rand Paul’s Feline Specialty

Another change that could take place would be national drug testing for SNAP recipients, Huckabee announced. She said that the administration acknowledges that using cat food to supplement poor people’s nutrition provides inherent risks for them to become hooked on mind altering substances.

“Obviously we don’t want them using their benefits on catnip, so we’ll be testing for that and a wide range of drugs before they get their assistance and food boxes,” Huckabee said, sliding a frog from a glass bowl on the dais in her office down her gullet. “Because if there’s anything worse than a Poor, it’s a Poor thinking they have the right to self-medicate like the rest of us.”

Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) has called the cat food initiative a “stroke of genius.” He did say, however, that he wished Trump’s budget was a “little more Draconian” because he’d like to see a few more million poor peoples’ corpses in the streets, so he can smugly step over them while burning hundred dollar bills.

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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