PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA — White House officials are confirming at this hour that Vice President Mike Pence is in stable condition, but is still “shaken, woozy, and a bit confused,” one aide said, after watching the 2018 Winter Olympics opening ceremony.
Pence was rushed back to his hotel room, complaining of “light headedness” and a “raging hard on that would not go away,” even after looking at pictures of things Pence finds disgusting like happy immigrant families and non-Christian Americans enjoying each other’s company. Vice President Pence traveled to South Korea earlier this week, part of a U.S. delegation representing the country. However, shortly after Pita Taufatofua, the shirtless Tongan flag bearer from the 2016 Summer Olympics appeared again at this year’s opening ceremony, Pence began to feel symptoms that caused him great alarm.
“Vice President Pence was enjoying a nice hamburger — he will not eat any local food because he says American food is the only thing his liberty loving stomach can handle,” one aide told us, “and the next thing you know, the shirtless guy comes out all oiled up and looking fine, and well, the vice president just kind of short circuited.”
Pence started complaining almost immediately that the circulation to his “baby making zone” was feeling constricted. He said his pants had never felt this tight before, not even on his wedding night, especially not on his wedding night, and that he was getting frightened and confused. Pence said his breath felt short in his lungs, and he couldn’t focus on anything else except Mr. Taufatofua. His eyes, Pence said, were “literally incapable” of looking at anything else.
“What the holy heck is happening,” Pence reportedly asked with true fright in his voice. “What am I feeling? This…man is so fit. He’s in such great shape. He’s an inspiration to us all. He’s truly a fine example of a man. Hell, he’s just really fine. OH GOD WHAT DID I SAY?!”
The more he looked at Taufatofua, the more Vice President Pence’s anxiety rose. He felt dizzy, he said. He felt like fireworks were going off in his heart and brain and crotch.
“Help me! Won’t someone help me, I’m about to pass out, or throw up, or jerk off, I can’t tell,” Pence said. “Dear Sweet Baby Jesus someone HELP ME!”
But no one could help Pence. Aides suggested closing his eyes, but Pence said when he did that, he only saw millions of oily, muscle bound Taufatofuas dancing in his mind. One person suggested getting a drink to calm Pence’s nerves, but Pence said he couldn’t “purge unclean but really sexy and arousing thoughts” by “compounding it with the sin of drunkednes.” For a solid four minutes, people scrambled around Pence, trying to find some way to bring his vital signs and his penis back to a normal state.
“I don’t get it! I’ve fought this so hard, my whole life,” Pence said. “They told me if I just stop thinking about it, if I just married that nice lady who I wasn’t attracted to outside of her ability to make me fit the part of the evangelical conservative, that I’d be more electable in my home state. They said that it’d stop feeling so foreign to me, and I’d stop feeling like I was just playing a part. But right here, right now, all I wanna do is run down there and hold him so tight against me all the air leaves both our bodies and I just want to…OH MY GOD!”
Pence passed out, falling into the arms of Secret Service agents who rushed him into a waiting car. Within a few hours, Pence was feeling better, sources say, but still babbling about “wishing he could get a piece” and “wanting a little Tongan in [him].”
This story is developing.