Area White Guy Sure He Knows How Black People Should Protest

DAVIS, GEORGIA — Biff Bedford is a twenty-two year old recent graduate of Middle Georgia State University, formerly known as Macon State. It’s a community college in Georgia, and it was there that Bedford got his Associate’s Degree in Political Science. Bedford considers himself a classical liberal — one who would be considered quite liberal by 19th century standards, though most of his friends call him a “conservative.” Biff “hates the War on Drugs,” but also wants to ban abortion and doesn’t think that Affirmative Action is necessary.

Biff also believes Black Lives Matter is actually reverse-racist against white people.


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“Sure, the people who use that hashtag will tell you that it’s not actually a statement of black lives being superior to white lives. And, yeah, they’ll claim that all the’re literally point out is that black lives matter too,” Bedford told The Political Garbage Chute in a recent interview, “but I think clearly it’s reverse racism. I mean, why can’t we just tell black people how to behave when they are either going through or protesting the violation of their civil rights? All they have to do, really, is just act like white people do with cops — instead of making our fine police officers feel sad, which then gets them angry and triggered — by calling it out every time they trample all over due process and summarily execute an unarmed black man in the street!”

Bedford says that his college training has given him “deep insights into the fall of the Republic.”

“It all began when cultural Marxism, a total real thing that’s not just two words conservatives slap together to sound intelligent,” Biff said, “started making us try to rectify the bad things that happened because of slavery by overcompensating with like, laws and stuff.”

According to Bedford, he learned “unequivocally that government should just sit idly by and let its people struggle upstream against a system literally rigged against them” instead of “being a pussy-ass Social Justice Warrior whose all like sad about people being oppressed and shit.” He also said that the problem isn’t with white officers, it’s with how black people handle being treated unfairly for having committed no actual crime.

“Oh sure, anyone can have their feelings hurt about being unjustly stopped, frisked, assaulted and shot dead,” Bedford argued, “and anyone can be upset that clearly one race is being singled-out, whether intentionally or through terrible training policies, but that’s all just modern liberal cultural Marxist baloney.”

Bedford told us it “seems pretty simple” to him that  a cop “pulls you over, and you’re black, just behave how [he] and all [his] white friends behave’ when they get pulled over.

“I mean you know, if we get pulled over,” Biff hedged.

“It might happen. I had a friend whose brother got a speeding ticket once,” Bedford said, “And Thad told me the cop was totally professional the whole time. He just issued the ticket and sent my friend’s brother and his family on their way back down their idyllic, white, suburbanite neighborhood main thoroughfare.”

Bradford says if more black people would just “shut up and take the abuse in the moment” so that a few months later they can “hope and pray that another instrument of the same system that unfairly put them into a cop’s cross hairs,” the courts, will “magically be on their side of all a sudden” and fewer black people would be murdered by cops.

“I mean, aren’t they kind of asking for it,” Bedford asked, “being black and outraged at their civil liberties being trampled? Don’t they realize that the only people who are persecuted in this country are white, conservative Christians? Of course they don’t. They’re too focused on the fact that they are still being systemically frozen out of advancing up the socioeconomic ladder by people like me who think it’s totally cool for business owners to not hire black people because they’re black. Sure, it’s shocking that the numbers are so out of whack, but just because they’re victims of police brutality as a community, why do they have to play the victim card?”

Bedford says that to him “the bottom line is simple.” He says that “until black people learn to just take it on the chin like the rest of us don’t have to because we live incredibly sheltered lives wherein we have almost zero interactions with police” that “black people will continue to be the victims of systemic police brutality and subversion of due process.” He admits that he “doesn’t ever life the life that an average black man does” but that he’s “still pretty sure he knows what’s best for them.”

“Sure, it’s a vicious cycle and black people who complain will be labeled race baiters while the ones who sit back and do nothing help to tacitly approve of the shit they’re trying to break away from…but…well…wait. Shit. What was I saying? Something about how all that doesn’t matter because slavery is over and we have a half-black president or something,” Bedford said as he ended the interview.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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