HELL, HELL — Former German President, and, still pretty much the worst human being to ever exist, Adolf Hitler, held a press conference today from Hell. During the presser, Mr. Hitler gave some general updates on the state of his still-virulent anti-Semitism.
“Just to be clear, damen und sanfte dämonen, my pure and unadulterated hatred for them will never, ever die. No matter how many times Satan puts his hot poker in my puckered, fascist farfegnugen,” Hitler told the reporters.
Saying the word “fascism,” put it in the former dictator’s mind to bring up something he’d heard about on Hell’s current events TV channel, from its host Sean Hannity. Part of Mr. Hannity’s soul contract with Satan is that he has to do the broadcasts, even before he’s died. Reportedly, Mr. Hannity has said the “fame, money, and access to suck Trump’s dick both on the air and off,” were enough for him to accept the contract’s terms gleefully.
“Oh, das reminds me,” Hitler said, “I read that my tubby, orange facsimile is considering labeling the group known as AntiFa as a terrorist organization. I cannot express my full and complete endorsement strongly enough, meine lugenpresse of evil! To fascists, there is nothing worse than a group of people who anti-fascist, you see. It’s…really not that fucking hard a concept I’m trying to explain here, is it?”
Hitler continued to explain why he, a fascist, is in favor of the American president labeling an anti-fascist organization a terror group.
“I mean…hello? I was probably the world’s most famous fascist and was defeated by an American president, so of course it would taste extra sweet for an American president to be pro-fascism,” Hitler said, giddiness in his tone. “What a spectacular reversal of fortune that would be for an American president to be pro-fascism! I think I might be coming around on that slobby pig poser. Oh, don’t get me wrong. He still doesn’t have die hoden to really dig in on the whole camp thing, but it would sure bring a smile to my face if he did it, and I’d have to give him credit where credit’s due.”
Mr. Hitler ended the press conference, but not before making a personal plea to the president to follow-through on his threat.
“I just want to say something to him, directly, if I might, because I know Fox News carries these updates for me on that Jesse Watters’ kid’s program,” Hitler began. “Please, sir, I cannot tell you what a warm, fuzzy feeling I’d feel in the lump of literal shit that is where my human heart might otherwise be for you to label AntiFa a terror group. If I may, sir, it’s only logical. I know I’ve always been very personally terrified of them, and the word ‘terrorism’ sounds a lot like terrified to me.”
Hitler did mention that there was one thing about the American president he’d like to change.
“You know, I’d say he’s pretty close to getting my endorsement for 2020, but he’s gotta ditch Bibi Netanyahu, because, I mean, hi…
Reportedly, the president found himself “quite honored” by Hitler’s ringing, resounding endorsement.
“Hey, you know, say what you will about the guy,” the president was overheard while urinating in the urinal he had installed and painted to look like Hillary Clinton in the Oval Office, “but he was a brilliant military guy, okay? Also a pretty great strategist. And, I might add, quite good at negotiating for land, so, you know, if I may…look out Denmark! I kid, I kid! Probably. Maybe. Maybe probably not…who cares? Tax cuts! Crooked! America! Greenland! Ivanka’s twat!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”