Is Weed Really Safe? Man Smokes Pot, Suffers Lava Burns 36 Hours Later

KAILUA-KONA, HAWAII — As more and more states legalize both medicinal and recreational uses of marijuana, government officials are grappling with the question of just how safe is pot? Depending on who you ask, one would get the distinct impression that pot is much more dangerous than alcohol, and should probably remain illegal forever. One Kentucky man while on a vacation to Hawaii went through what in his words was a “harrowing, horrifying ordeal” that he says is a “direct result” of his experimentation with marijuana while in Hawaii, and he wants his story to serve as a warning to anyone who may be tempted to try “the Devil’s weed” as he put it.

Justin Russell says that when he booked his vacation to Hawaii he had intended to spend the days on the beach with his wife sipping boozy, tropical drinks and their nights would be spent on the beach sipping boozy drinks while they ate great food, danced, and had a wonderful time. When he and his wife Jamie first got to the island, he tells The Political Garbage Chute that things were going according to plan perfectly. However, Russel, 39 years old, said that about three hours into their vacation, they were approached by “a nice young man” offering to give the Russells a “taste of the Maui Wowie,” Justin says.

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“He said that for just 15 dollars, he could get me a couple grams of really good marijuana,” Justin told our reporter, “and even though I’ve never tried pot before, I figured I was on vacation, in a tropical paradise, and there was a really exciting feeling about trying something new for the first time in such a great atmosphere and setting.”

So, Russell says he agreed to pay the young man for his wares, and he and his wife retired back to their hotel room to “toke it up,” as he put it.

At first, Russell says his experience smoking weed was “amazeballs.” He and Jamie had tremendously good sex watching the sun set that night, and they finally were able to see what all the fuss about “The Big Bang Theory” was once they were “incredibly stoned.” After a few hours, Russell says he felt quite sleepy, and so he and Jamie went to sleep, both claiming to have had one of the most restful nights of sleep they’d ever had.

“When I got up the next day, I felt great,” Russell said, “but obviously whether I knew it or not, something was definitely wrong.”

The entire next day after trying pot, Justin didn’t notice anything different, and he even woke up the next day after that feeling like he might want to smoke a little more pot that day. Until, that is, he had an accident at the base of a volcano on the island, proving in his mind, he says, that pot is just “too damn dangerous” to be on the street.

Mr. Russell says that to this day he “still doesn’t know exactly what happened” at the base of the volcano. One minute, he says he was breaking off from the tour group to get a closer look at a little seem of magma flowing from a crack in the ground, and the next thing he knew he was waking up in the hospital with massive burns all over his body and the doctors were telling him he slipped and fell into the flow of hot, molten magma, and was lucky to be alive. They told him that people from the tour saw him fall and immediately rush over, rolled him on the ground and put him out, but by then he was already in shock and had started to black out, ultimately feinting and awaking a day or two later in the hospital.

“You know,” Russell told us, “the doctors and consultants are saying that after about 36 hours the major effects of the pot would have worn off, but I still blame the weed. It has to be the weed’s fault,” he insisted.

Russell said that he “almost never stumbled on lava” at home before, so the only logical conclusion is that somehow the THC in his system forced him to trip and fall into the lava that he never should have been that close to in the first place.

“I just hope that our government does the right thing and keeps this dangerous plant off our streets,” Russel said as the interview was ending, “lest someone else try some and then have a terrible and unrelated accident befall them days later. We can’t take that chance in America. We can’t take that chance with our children’s future.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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