Town Shocked When Man Does Not Tell Women What to Do With Their Vaginae

MAPLE VALLEY, OHIO — Residents of a town in Ohio are reportedly still in shock over developments that the mayor has called “utterly stunning.”

Late in August of this year, Matthew Williamson of Maple Valley, Ohio, an average midwestern town of average socioeconomic status, made headlines when he declined to tell a woman what to do with her vagina. Ms. Helen Simpson, also of Maple Valley, had approached Williamson and asked if he had any interest in giving specific directions to her in regards to the proper use of her vagina. Simpson would later explain to reporters that she grew up in a conservative, Christian, Republican household, and was not only used to the notion of men telling her how to behave sexually, she claims to feel “completely lost” without such direction. But Williamson, however, wanted no part in giving Ms. Simpson any vaginal cues.

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“I just figured, hey, it’s her vagina,” Williamson recently told The Political Garbage Chute,  “it’s her reproductive health, what the hell do I care what she does? She ain’t gonna tell me who, what, when, where, why and how to fuck…so why should I do the same to her?” Though Williamson says he has no interest in telling a woman “what her reproductive business is,” his town’s mayor, Henry Jorgenson, a Republican, is not happy about Matthew’s decision.

“What Mr. Williamson is doing,” said Mayor Jorgenson, “is to fly in the face of centuries of tradition, and he is setting a dangerous precedent by giving women the mistaken impression that they know their own bodies, mindsets, and finances well enough to decide when they should carry a child to full term.” Williamson further added that “society simply cannot let things like facts and reality end vital traditions like dictating to women their reproductive choices.”

Mayor Jorgenson has called for a special session of the city council to be held this week to determine if Williamson can be fined or otherwise compelled to “behave more traditionally male-like toward vagina possessors” according to a statement from Jorgenson’s office. “We will not rest until every man in this town fulfills his American God given duty and tells females what to do with their own bodies,” Jorgenson told reporters at a recent press conference.

“The natural order of things is that men decide what happens with vaginae, otherwise God wouldn’t have made Eve second, you see,” Jorgenson said, insisting that “if God had made woman first, then they’d have the natural authority to control their own bodies” but that “since he made Adam first and then used a single rib to make entire woman” it proves that “God meant for man to be superior because there wouldn’t be any women without man first, despite the propaganda that says every man is born from a woman.”

For his part, Williamson said he is definitely not interested in dictating to women how to use their genitalia, even if his town council fines him. “I’ll pay the fine, I guess, as long as it’s not too high. I just have way too much going on in my life to be personally wrapped up in what a woman is doing with her own body,” Williamson said, continuing to say that he doesn’t care if “she’s getting an abortion or smuggling dope” with it.

“Everyone in this country has a right to do what they want with their own bodies,” Williamson said, “I truly believe that. What’s more antithetical to the very idea of freedom than forcing someone to have a child they don’t want, especially when we have the medical technology to do it so early in the process? I just don’t get this need by some older dudes to dictate to women when they make a baby, as if accidental pregnancies don’t happen, as if life itself doesn’t happen, you know what I mean? I just have no time for that crap. I want to work hard and contribute to society, so if some woman somewhere decides that she isn’t set up in her life right no to have a baby, maybe we all should be grateful she’s not only making a decision for herself, but one that takes at least some of the burden off of us all, in the long run. But maybe that’s just me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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