Medical Staff Unable to Extricate Lt. Col. Vindman’s Entire Foot from Nunes’ Cinnamon Hole

WASHINGTON, D.C — Before the second impeachment hearing of the day kicked off, congressional medical staff was unsure of ranking member Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Moscow) would be able to attend, or if he was present, whether or not Lt. Col. Alex Vindman would have be seated right behind Nunes the entire time.

Doctors are reporting that at the time of publication, Lt. Col. Vindman’s entire foot is still deeply lodged inside Nunes’ “gaping asshole.” The team of nurses and doctors were “shocked and surprised” to find Vindman’s foot so far up Trump’s anus, the chief resident surgeon told reporters, because “it’s already so crowded up there.” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux explained the situation to reporters gathered near and around the room in which Chairman Adam Schiff is conducting two impeachment inquiries in the House Intelligence Committee today.

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“Frankly, with as much as Russian propaganda that Nunes stores in his sphincter,” Dr. Hornaydieux said, “we were quite blown away by just how far Vindman got his foot up there. I’ll say this much, when we examined Congressman Nunes’ butthole, Sean Hannity was really quite surprised to find us in there, and I think we disturbed the broadcast of his radio show. We were under the impression that Hannity does his show from inside President Trump’s asshole, so we quickly apologized and let him go to the next commercial break. I guess Trump probably asked Hannity to do his show from Nunes’ anus so he could get a quicker report on what Vindman and Ms. Lewis were saying about his call with the Ukrainian president.”

According to Dr. Hornaydieux, the incident that would cause Vindman’s foot to get so squarely lodged inside Trump’s corn hole came during Nunes’ questioning of the Purple Heart recipient.

“Medically speaking, when you’ve got a guy who’s never served in any branch of the armed forces attacking the character of someone who was literally wounded in combat in service to this country, on behalf a multiple draft dodging miscreant,” Dr. Hornaydieux explained, “the human butthole will dilate much wider than normal. It’s a programmed, biological response to such high levels of cowardice, hypocrisy, and shamelessness. This left Nunes’ brown eye rife for the ramming, and boy howdy did Vindman do just that.”

Dr. Hornaydieux was referring to the moment in which Vindman politely but forcefully requested that Rep. Nunes use his official title and rank and not call him “Mr. Vindman.” The moment was so striking and devastating to Nunes that a few minutes later, one of his fellow Republicans on the committee made sure to tell Vindman — and the American public — that he was sure Nunes meant no insult. At any rate, Hornaydieux says, “Nunes’ cinnamon hole was perfectly positioned” to receive Vindman’s foot at that moment, and receive it he certainly did.

This is not the first time doctors have had to try to extricate someone’s foot from another person’s butthole. In fact, medical teams have had to rush to the White House on more than one occasion to pull Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s foot — stylish flat and all — from the president’s bunghole. Hornaydieux says this is one of the most extreme cases he’s seen, however.

“Not often do see a case where the foot ramming happens live, in real-time, televised by all the major networks and cable news broadcasts,” Hornaydieux said. “The human turd cutter is configured in such a way where the larger the embarrassment suffered by the rammee, the further up the poop chute the rammer can get his or her foot. This could have devastating effects on Rep. Nunes’ ability to sit down or get pegged by the president in the future.”

Rep. Nunes and his staff were not available to comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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