Dr. Richard Schvantz has been a licensed, board certified urologist for over 40 years, and he has never been this alarmed when looking at any penis before.
“My entire professional career has been dedicated to learning about diseases of the dick, or ‘junk bugs’ as we call them in my line of work,” Dr. Schvantz reported to the press today in front of the National Institute of Penile Things, “and nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I looked at America’s penis earlier this morning. Needless to say, I was quite alarmed at how infected with COVID-19 it has become, and I fear that it might only get worse.”
Schvantz says he’s particularly worried because the people in charge of keeping America’s penis clean and safe from infection “don’t seem to care” about how sick the penis becomes.
“I was always under the impression that elected officials, no matter the party, wanted to keep their constituents and fellow penis-dwellers happy,” Schvantz lamented. “Clearly, I could not have been more deadly wrong about that. Of course, when your penis is run by a real dick of a governor, what other outcome can you expect than one that’s completely fucked?”
As dire as things are right now, Schvantz says that there are “plenty of reasons” for America’s penis to have hope for a brighter future.
“The more people who get a COVID-19 vaccine, and the quicker they can get them, the faster that America’s penis will rebound,” Dr. Schvantz explained. “Of course, if enough people living in the penis get sick and die from COVID, eventually all that might be left would be the vaccinated population, and that would technically put the penis on a path toward full recovery.”
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has issued a warrant for Dr. Schvantz’ capture and arrest, citing a “clear and present danger to my con job.”
“I’m busy trying to snow people into thinking I’m competent and intelligent,” DeSantis said, “and that smart-mouthed, anti-freedom doctor just made himself an enemy of the unvaccinated Americans who reside within its penis, and he must pay for his crimes against my ego.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.