Unvaccinated America First Patriot Refuses to Wear a Mask or Condom While Raw-Dogging His Cousin

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — In an interview soon to be published in American ConservaFascist Today, Jethro Bohiggins — right-wing podcaster, singer/writer — says he will never wear a mask, or a condom, while having sex with his cousin, Karen Bohiggins.

“I’m sick to damn death of nerds in lab coats literally putting a gun to my head, twisting my arm, and forcing me to change how I wanna live my one, perfect, patriotic American life,” Bohiggins told the interviewer, “and if I wanna drive down the road at 120 mph, while raw dogging my cousin Karen without a mask on my face, guess what, libtards? IMMA FUCKIN’ DO IT!”

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Bohiggins slammed efforts by the Biden administration to get more people to vaccinate themselves.

“Oh, so now we got the money to send volunteer Antifa squads door to door, demanding to know if someone has taken a Fauci Stab? Bullshit,” Jethro insisted. “What’s next? They gonna come knocking on my double-wide’s bedroom window when me and Karen are about to get our Don and Ivanka on? They gonna demand to see proof that I’m wrapping my dong in rubber? This is tyranny, and I’m not gonna stand for it, fam!”

Over the past eighteen months or so, Jethro has contracted COVID twice, and he and Karen have both had bouts with both crabs and syphilis. Bohiggins says, however, that was all due to his “freedom of choice” and that “no goddamn government can rob the people of their constitutional right to be stupid.”

“If me and Karen wanna take the risk we’ll make a little incest baby — which is a gift from God, libtards — then that’s our choice! If we want to get COVID from each other while giving each other the clap,” Bohiggins claimed, “then we gonna give each other COVID and the clap, and not Tony Fauci or Joe Biden is gonna change our minds!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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