WASHINGTON, D.C. — In our continuing endeavor to provide our readers with the most current, up to date news and events worthy of their attention, The Political Garbage Chute can confirm at this hour that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) is to this day a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle.
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In the past, we have confirmed this fact on multiple occasions. In general, we confirm whether McConnell is a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle when asked by enough of our readers to do so. Typically, it’s when Senator McConnell has done or said something so vile, or egregiously hypocritical, that an overwhelming number of people get a feeling that at least part of his motivation stems from the fact that he is a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle.
We have determined that Senator McConnell is a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle when he told Republicans in the Senate the night Barack Obama was sworn-in that making Obama a one-term president was his number one goal. This was at a time that the country was still reeling from the Great Recession, but McConnell was laser-focused on destroying Obama’s presidency. We also have confirmed the Kentucky Republican’s status as a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle when he denied Barack Obama’s final Supreme Court nominee, Judge Merrick Garland, even a hearing, much less a confirmation vote on the floor, when Antonin Scalia died.
The Constitution makes it clear the president’s right is to nominate Supreme Court successors, but in 2016, when Scalia died in February, McConnell came up with the “Biden Rule,” claiming that then-Vice President Biden, when he was a Senator, had advocated for not filling a Supreme Court vacancy in an election year. It was one of the most transparently unconstitutional things McConnell did to Obama during his eight years in the Oval Office.
When news broke on Friday night that the titan of law, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, had died, speculation ran wild about whether McConnell and the other Republicans would stick true to the principles they professed in 2016. Within two hours of Ginsburg’s death being announced, McConnell answered any questions about his reticence or reluctance to be a full-blown, four-alarm hypocrite, much less a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle.
In a tweet, McConnell published a statement honoring Ginsburg’s legacy, but ending with a solemn promise to fill her seat by the election.
The Senate and the nation mourn the passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the conclusion of her extraordinary American life.
My full statement: pic.twitter.com/NOwYLhDxIk
— Leader McConnell (@senatemajldr) September 19, 2020
As has been our practice each time we determine if McConnell is still indeed a certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle, we contacted the National Institute of Confirming Shit, or NICS, and they used a rigorous set of scientific standards to determine his certifiably racist, wet-eyed, wattle-necked cuntsicle status. It turns out, McConnell’s statement in and of itself was more than enough evidence for the NICS to confirm quite a bit, though there were some of McConnell’s traits that needed to be verified in other ways.
“McConnell’s desire to rush and fill the vacancy left by Ginsburg is pretty much all the proof you need that he’s a certifiably racist cuntsicle,” NICS Executive President Susan Susanovich told us. “Literally the only difference in the situation that matters is that Trump is white and Obama is black. In fact, there was more time before the election when Obama nominated McConnell, so no matter what the Republicans say right now, we can see with our own eyes what the differences to them really are.”
But when it came to determining if McConnell is wet-eyed and wattle-necked, the NICS had to comb through a few dozen photos of the Senate Majority Leader and compare them to other people.
“His eyes are constantly wet, which we’re assuming is because he’s wiping Trump’s cum out of them non-stop,” Susanovich explained. “And, well, all he has to do is start talking and you can see that massive mound of fat around his neck flapping like a turkey wattle. So all in all, this was a pretty easy task for us to pull off.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.