Pussy Grabbing Predator With 25 Credible Allegations of Sexual Assault Can’t Wait to Bring Up Biden’s Past

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the nation’s capital, there is a 74-year-old pussy grabbing alleged billionaire that has, over his lifetime, collected 25 credible allegations that he committed sexual assault, and he happens to be running for re-election to the office of the presidency. Word from his campaign is that the septuagenarian sexual predator in chief is extremely keen on amplifying and stepping-up his attacks on former Vice President Joe Biden’s past, and is willing to bring up allegations against Biden during debates and in political ads.

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One of the most infamous moments in American political history came when the “Access Hollywood Tapes” were first made public during the 2016 presidential election. The tapes were recorded during a segment for the showbiz news show that was dedicated to then-Citizen Donald Trump while he hosted the NBC reality competition show, The Apprentice. In unaired “hot mic” moments, Trump can be heard bragging to host Billy Bush that he likes to “grab ’em by the pussy” when referring to females, and then he enjoys taking advantage of women sexually because “when you’re famous, they’ll let you do anything.”

You can refresh your memory of the Access Hollywood Tapes in the YouTube clip, courtesy of CNN, below:

It’s unclear, exactly why someone with such a well-documented history of womanizing would even want to bring up the subject of interpersonal relationships, much less why a man accused by over 25 women of things ranging from inappropriate remarks all the way rape would bring up anyone else’s past history with women. However, when President Trump retweeted someone who used a hashtag accusing Biden of being a pedophile, it became clear that the president’s desire to start attacking the former vice president along these lines was has been put into practice. This morning, one of Trump’s surrogates was interviewed by WKKK AM’s conservative talk radio host Chip Chatterly, and he explained some of the president’s strategy to Chatterly’s audience.

“Everyone knows this is the best negotiating president ever,” Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told Chatterly. “Just look at his peace deals in the Middle East! They’re such good deals, they’re technically not peace deals because the parties involved weren’t at war! How genius is that? The point is, that Dear President going after Biden for his past with women is all part of his grand negotiation scheme.”

Thompaulsen said that Trump is “hoping to negotiate debate terms” with Biden, and that those terms would include an agreement from each man not to talk about the allegations against the other.

“This is just the opening offer, know what I mean? Of course Trump’s got a grand strategy. He’s playing, like, at least 500-Dimension chess,” Thompaulsen insisted, “and Biden’s playing The Game of Life! Sure, it might seem like the most comically hypocritical thing in the world for Captain Locker Room Talk to bring up literally anybody’s sexual assault allegations against them, but I’m telling you, this guy is a damn genius so even when he does the most monumentally stupid things, I still believe he’s doing the right things.”

The United States of America will hold its general election on November 3rd, 2020.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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