1776 Commission Will Teach Kids Facts About America’s Totally Not Racist Past of Slavery, Genocide, Jim Crow, and Internment Camps

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Recently, President Donald Trump at Education Secretary Betsy Devos announced that the 1776 Commission was being formed to combat what they think is an anti-American bias in U.S. history classes. Trump, signing an executive order, announced that he wants the commission to focus on helping provide children with “patriotic education.”

MORE: Trump: “All Lives Matter Except in Blue States”

While many have wondered just what “patriotic education” is, and whether it’s just another term for nationalist indoctrination, Ms. Devos got out in front of questions about the role the 1776 Commission will play in crafting history curriculum. Speaking on OANN, Devos said that she hopes the commission will “teach kids the unvarnished truth about how un-racist this country really is.”

“I mean, come on! We gave them the damn right to vote, eventually, and all it took was a civil war,” Devos said. “What else could they want? But no! I guess all these uppity urbans want us to focus on the slavery part of America instead of us expanding from a country of small colonies to a continent-wide powerhouse. And all it took was the tiniest bit of genocide of the natives to accomplish that!”

Devos complained that “liberal brainwashers” are convincing children in their history classes that America has a racist past “just because of an internment camp or two or whatever.”

“Sure we put Asians in camps in World War II. Sure our administration kidnapped thousands of brown babies from their parents at the border,” Devos admitted, “but, I feel like calling that racist will hurt too many white feelings for it to really be worth it. I mean, don’t we want to maintain calm? Don’t we want to keep the natural, calm order of things? We go around telling people that things are racist just because they are, and there’s no telling the kind of damage it will do!”

Sec. Devos said she and President Trump “want American children to feel proud of not just their pure white skin” but also of the “hard work and sacrifice of their ancestors who whipped and killed minorities” to make the country they live in today.

“Did thousands of natives die? Of course! Did we enslave generations of people, then fight tooth and nail to keep them under our boots with Jim Crow,” Devos asked rhetorically. “Most assuredly! But does that make us a racist country? That’s where I differ with so-called facts and alleged educated people. If my feelings are strong enough, they TRUMP facts, get it?”

Devos laughed a forced laugh for a solid thirty seconds.

“Okay, I have to go now. I have a ton of cats to feet before I make that little bastard kid with the glasses write all those lines about not telling lies,” Devos said. “Send my office any questions you have about this wonderful new propaganda program we’re going to force your kids into! Toodles!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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