Country That Can’t Afford Universal Health Care Magically Finds $2 Trillion in Cash Lying Around

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and unforeseen turn of events, the United States federal government has seemingly found about $2 trillion laying around somewhere and will use a portion of it to send to American families in an attempt to offset the major economic impact of the pandemic coronavirus outbreak. Making this development even more unique is the fact that for decades millions of Americans have fought, protested, and voted for universal health care in one form or another to be instituted in the U.S., only to be told time and again by elected officials of both major parties that it would be too expensive. In fact, over the course of time, nearly every socially progressive initiative and proposal has been labeled “too expensive” to actually pursue or enact.

However, the response to the novel coronavirus pandemic has been so strong that in several key states — many of which are economic engines for the country’s economy — that non-essential businesses have been forced to shutter themselves for at least a couple of weeks. In response, Congress and the White House have been working to find a way to get desperately needed cash into the accounts of the American people. When the dust settled late Tuesday night, a framework for a $2 trillion stimulus package was agreed upon, and the final votes could come any hour now.

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“It was the craziest thing. All of a sudden, we found a random two trillion bucks just cold kickin’ it in a corner of the Senate cloak room,” Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) told reporters. “Once we found that money just lying around, we knew we had what we needed to dump onto Wall Street, and, I guess, the plebs or whatever.”

Thus far, no one has been able to explain exactly how the two trillion dollars got into the cloak room. Some close to the situation have been telling people they think it appeared simply by magic. Though no one could point to a specific spell or magic trick being cast prior to the money being found, many have told our reporters privately they believe it might as well have been found by magic.

“Frankly, we’ve been telling everyone that if it isn’t the military, and isn’t a corporate tax cut is something we can’t afford for a long, long time,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Rectum) said during an interview on conservative talk radio this morning, “so I can’t see us all of a sudden being chill with spending two trillion bucks unless we’d found it by some magical means. Of course, that half a trillion dollar slush fund does help soften the blow of all that government spending we said we can’t ever do. It also makes me horny knowing how much money Fortune 500 companies will get from the taxpayers, just to put that out there, in case you needed to vomit weren’t sure how to make yourself do so.”

Despite the aid package being agreed upon, the president has indicated he’s itching to get Americans working en masse again, sooner rather than later. President Trump has already begun to signal his unease at the impact of the coronavirus lockdowns throughout the country on the economy. He’s stated he wants to have the country “opened back up” by Easter, which is only a couple of weeks away. Today, he lashed out at the “Lamestream press” because he thinks they want him to “keep our Country closed as long as possible,” apparently ignoring the dozens of health officials and hundreds of medical professionals who have implored Americans to remain in a state self-quarantine to flatten the curve of the rate of infection.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) said he was “mighty conflicted” when he first considered voting to support the coronavirus relief aid. However, when he realized that it included a half a trillion dollars for business loans, he felt “much better” about it. McConnell spoke about the situation on the Senate floor.

“I must say, at first I was mighty conflicted about this relief aid, because of how much money it spends,” McConnell said, rubbing a piece of coal on his crotch as he spoke, “but, however, when I realized that we were going to hand half a trillion dollars to my friends in Corporate America, that we had to spend this money, and that we had to pass this relief. It gives all that money to the right people. No, not the American people, the American corporate people.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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