New Treasury Dept Report Estimates How Many Points Dow Goes Up For Every Grandparent’s Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week Dan Patrick, the Lt. Governor of Texas, told Fox News White Supremacist Tucker Carlson that seniors in America might have to be willing to sacrifice their lives in order for their children and grandchildren to work and be productive in the U.S. economy.

A clip of Patrick’s appearance is seen in the tweet below.

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While many have reacted online with anger, frustration, and criticism to Patrick’s comments, the Trump administration doubled-down on it. The president has been quite keen to have the country restart its economic and commercial activities, given that the coronavirus lockdowns throughout the states have put a serious damper on businesses. Unemployment claims have skyrocketed tremendously this week, and the administration has not been very subtle at all about its desire to push Americans back to work as quickly as possible.

Piggybacking off Patrick’s comments, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin held a press conference today and unveiled a new report from his department that gives an estimate of just how many points the Dow Jones Industrial Average would gain for each senior citizen who might die from COVID-19 complications. The White House has taken repeated criticism for their sluggish response to the reports of a COVID-19 pandemic headed for the U.S. as early as January. Now, it seems after just a couple of weeks of directly addressing the outbreak, the president and his team are concerned about the economic impacts of their actions, and are eager to get Americans back to work.

Mnuchin said he hoped presenting Americans with data that shows just how much the stock markets would react to each old person dying would encourage them to resume business as usual, he told reporters.

“This report makes it very clear that if America’s seniors are willing to make the sacrifice, their lives will go a long way toward restoring the value of a lot of important stocks,” Mnuchin announced. “Don’t forget, for every dollar in value lost in a rich man’s stock portfolio, an angel is literally cast out of Heaven, plucked of their wings, and sent straight to Hell. Those aren’t my words. It’s in the Bible. Somewhere in the back.”

While Secretary Mnuchin said that the Treasury Department’s report is “just an estimate” of how much each grandparent’s death would boost the stock market, he said it “at least gives the American people a window into the actual value of each senior citizen.”

“All we want is for the American people, and particularly our seniors, to understand how just far a little sacrifice of their mortal lives would go toward keeping CEOs’ vacation homes stocked with fine wines, valuable art, and cocaine piles,” Mnuchin said. “If that doesn’t get you to see how important that sacrifice is for the greater good, then I’m afraid we as a nation are lost beyond all recognition.”

President Trump praised the report to reporters as he paced around the White House lawn this morning. He called it “vital” and “bigly important” for all Americans to see and understand.

“As you can see, if a few million old folks were to die off, our stock market would soar like you’ve never seen it before folks,” Trump said. “I can’t force you to make that sacrifice — yet — but all I can do is show you this report, and ask why you’re being so selfish if you don’t want to die for our economy. Don’t be selfish, folks. That’s all I can ask.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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